The joke thread II

[Platapus]

One time when my wife and I were being "intimate", I suddenly froze, not moving a muscle.

She asked me what was wrong. I told her I was trying out a new sex technique I learned from watching Internet Porn.

"It's called buffering".

[Jimbuna]

Slept on the sofa last night. Apparently when my wife asked me to bring her something from the store for pancakes she wasn’t talking about a bra.

[Jimbuna]

Fed up of being single? Fed up of dating websites? I’ve now developed the perfect strategy that is guaranteed success. Just lower your standards. My new girlfriend is actually a coconut sellotaped to a mop.

[Platapus]

We waz poor

Growing up we were so poor that my parents could not afford to get me shoes. So they painted my feet black and laced up my toes.

[magic452]

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.

The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each morning and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon (the only vehicle he had) and drove the 30 miles.

While the pigs were in the field mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they'll be pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and the farmers were worn out.

The next morning, one was too tired to even get out of bed. So he called out to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "They're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn."



Magic

[Jimbuna]

Me and my wife had a candlelit dinner for the first time last night. It was terrible, everything was really under-cooked and tasted of wax.

[Jimbuna]

A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.
He tells the duty manager, “I hope the porn channel is set to disabled”
The manager looks at him and replies, “NO, it’s REGULAR porn, you sicko!”

[Platapus]

We waz poor

Instead of carpeting the whole room, my parents just tied pieces of carpet to my feet.

[Jimbuna]

Hypocrisy – When a Jehovahs Witness doesn’t celebrate Halloween because they don’t like random people knocking on their doors.

[Platapus]

We waz poor

To us, the high priced spread was lard.

[Jimbuna]

The Muslims first invented the condom in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

[Platapus]

We waz poor

At Christmas we could not afford tinsel for the tree so we had to wait until grandfather sneezed.

[dmagnusson]

2 young guys discuss what they have done during the weekend.

1st : What did you do this weekend?

2nd:: nahh i made love with a girl on the railroad.



2nd: No she didnt have a head.

[dmagnusson]

2 soviet panzer generals meet in Paris

the first ask: But who did one war in the air?

[Jimbuna]

Iraqi Awards Night:

And the 2016 winner for suicide bomber of the year goes to… Abdul Sahib. Unfortunately he couldn’t be here with us tonight.