The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well, what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this ball is fluorescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."

[Jimbuna]

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

[Jimbuna]

A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, "We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell."
"How do I know which to choose?" She asked.
"That's easy," said St. Peter. "you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision."
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell.
The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her.
She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times.
That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant.
She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy.
Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay.
She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp.
At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. "Well, heaven was great and all," the nurse said, "but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell."
With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks.
When the devil walked over, she said to him, "I don't understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking."
The devil smiled and said, "Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you're staff."

[Jimbuna]

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
"Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought."
Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."

[Jimbuna]

Two rednecks walk down a dirt path. One man has a big sack over his shoulder. The other man asks what's in the sack.

The first man says, "I got me some chickens for dinner tonight."

The other man asks how many chickens are in the sack.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the first redneck, "If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack, I'll give them both to you."

[Tango589]

Beethovan: "Are you guys ready for some symphonies tonight?"
Crowd: *cheers* "Yeah!!!"
Beethovan: "I can't hear you!"

[mikesn9]

Folks, I have written a book and I am quite proud of the results. In order to market the publication, I'm asking friends and family to spread the news about this essential read.

This book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my 45+ years of golfing experience.

Highlights include:

Chapter 1) How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2) How to Hit a Maxfli ball from the Rough When You Just Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3) How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 4) When to Give the Curator the Finger

Chapter 5) Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 am

Chapter 6) How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 7) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee

Chapter 8) How to Relax When You Are Hitting Five off the Tee

Chapter 9) When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent



The book also includes some GOLF TERMINOLOGY

A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole

A Diego Maradonna - a nasty 5 footer

A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read

A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't

A Cuban - needs one more revolution

An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker

A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

A Kate Moss - bit thin

A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional

A Brazilian - Just shaved the hole

A Rodney King - overclubbed

An O J Simpson - got away with it

A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver

A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver

A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems

An Elephant's arse - high and ****ty

A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

A Sister-in-law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be


I have copies in stock but I anticipate a rush so be quick and ensure you don't miss out!

Please pass this information to anyone who you feel may benefit from my expertise.

[mikesn9]

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard
about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are examples:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer,
with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt, and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'


I hope this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome…….death.

[Jimbuna]

A young boy was walking through the supermarket to pick up some things when he noticed that an old lady was following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he just ignored her and continued on. Finally after he finished his selection, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. “Pardon me son,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel really uncomfortable. It’s just that you look like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” said the young man, “is there anything I can do for you?” “Yes,” she replied, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother’? It would make me feel very much better.” “Sure,” answered the young man. And as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye, Mother!” As the young man stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total amount was $127.50. “How can that be?” He asked, “I only purchased some few things!” “Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

[Jimbuna]

So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."

[Jimbuna]

On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a seat at the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnapped."
The poor guy, heartbroken, pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothes to escape.
When he finally reaches his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

[Jimbuna]

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."
The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."
The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.
At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"
The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

[Jimbuna]

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.
We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.
When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, "Dad, what's going to happen to us when you die?"
My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone.
"We'll go in the limousine dummy."

[Jimbuna]

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

[Jimbuna]

A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring.
One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.
"My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!