The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

[Red October1984]

I DONT MEAN ANY OFFENSE FOR THIS JOKE.


What is it called when the Asians vote on a new leader?

Erection.


SORRY FOR ANY OFFENSE I MIGHT HAVE CAUSED!
(you can never be too careful)

[Jimbuna]

My wife needs to stop buying her razors from the pound shop.


That's four pair of jeans now, she's laddered.

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

My boss pulled up in his brand new BMW today and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, and I'll have an even better one next year."

We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by Platapus

We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true

Rgr that

[Red October1984]

Originally Posted by Platapus

We laugh because it is funny
We cry because it is true

Jawhol, Herr Kommandant! We need a sargent schultz smiley. Hogans Heroes Forever! Best show ever

[Jimbuna]

Just sent the wife and her mother off on a skiing holiday in France.

I also made sure their phones are set to vibrate.

[BossMark]

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defence!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, "This is not what I was promised!"

An angel replies: "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"

[Jimbuna]

I've just went and quit my job at kwik fit, I couldn't handle it

Every night I was coming home tired and exhausted.

[Jimbuna]

Last night on stage at the strip club was the ugliest dancer I've ever seen.

She danced up to me and said "Hey Handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"

I said "My glasses."

[BossMark]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said that the cost would be £3500 for small, £6500 for medium, and £14,000 for large.
The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[Jimbuna]

Every time I go out with my workmates I invariably end up in the corner feeling fat and depressed.

Or Karen and Debbie from Accounts, as they're also known.

[BossMark]

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husband's best mate, Peter, when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation.

"Who was it?" the back stabbing buddy asked.

"Oh, that was Mick," she replied calmly.

"Oh crap, I'd better be going then!" he said. "Did Mick say where he was?"

"Relax -- he's down at the pub playing a few games of pool with you."

[Jimbuna]

Diving with sharks is expensive.
It cost me an arm and a leg when i done it.

[BossMark]

A drunk had 14 shots of Vodka. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 999, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "nevermind, i got into the backseat by mistake."