The joke thread

[BossMark]

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plough can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[Jimbuna]

I put my suitcases down so I could light a cigarette and the porters took them immediately.

They're very efficent in Liverpool, especially as I didn't tell them which hotel I was staying in.

[BossMark]

An old one but still good!

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".
Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it.

[Jimbuna]

Police marksmen covering disturbances at Dale Farm, were required to open fire three times.
They won a goldfish, a teddy bear and an inflatable hammer.

[BossMark]

Did you hear about the pikey who won the lottery?
Apparently they"re going to pay him with Travellers Cheques.

[Jimbuna]

Had to check out what a pikey was

[BossMark]

A man told his doctor that he wasn"t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the check-up was complete, he said,
"Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well, in plain English," the doctor said,
"you"re just lazy.""Okay," said the man.
"Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife

[Herr-Berbunch]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Had to check out what a pikey was

Sorry, the full terminology should have been used -

Thieving pikey (word removed as I assume Jim's post is for this.)

Recognise it now?

[BossMark]

After a relatively unsuccessful sex life,
I am finally having the best sex of my life at 46.
The thing is though, I live at number 15

[Jimbuna]

*To all contributorss to this thread*

Swearing is not acceptable under the forum rules and I invite anyone having posted such 'detail' to remove/adit their posts.....I would prefer not to issue infractions.

Your best offices please.

[Jimbuna]

Colonel gaddafi found in drainpipes,
Whatever next, president ahmedinijad seen in chinos.

[BossMark]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.

The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[Jimbuna]

What's black with 2 broken arms?

Colonel Gaddafi's sunglasses.

[BossMark]

Paddy buys a bath but takes it back the next day complaining that the water keeps running out.
The manager asks, "did you buy a plug?"Paddy says,
"you git! You never said it was electric!"

[Jimbuna]

The result of Gaddafi's post-mortum is that he comitted suicide by shooting himself 5 times in the head from a passing car.