The joke thread

[BossMark]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million pounds and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million pounds not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

[Feuer Frei!]

Originally Posted by BossMark

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."
"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million pounds and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million pounds not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

A bit similar to this one is:

An unusually handsome man walks into the bar sits down, throws a stack of cash an the bar and orders a round for the whole place. The bartender sets everyone up and when he gets to the stranger, a little man jumps out of his backpack, kicks his drink over then hops back in the backpack.

The man continually asks for another one, and the same thing happens over and over.

Puzzled, the bartender asks what the deal was.

The stranger tells him, ''I was granted three wishes from a genie I found in a bottle while overseas, and I wished for stunningly good looks, an endless supply of cash, and a 12 inch p****.

[Jimbuna]

Never went to bed with a dog in my life but woke up with a few.

[BossMark]

At a jewellery store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweller.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

[Jimbuna]

My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my "blod group".

I replied, "typo."

[frau kaleun]

The ban on preventing my knees twisting caused a riot.

Pass it on.

[Jimbuna]

The school register:

The kid from Eastern Europe - Check
The kid with Tourette's - Tick
The birthday boy - "Present"
The deaf kid - "Ear"
The kid on drugs - "Hi"

[BossMark]

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mum and dads for the night. In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mum says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mum replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for Vaseline and I think I gave him my air plane glue."

[Jimbuna]

BBC News: Rare Picasso sells for £106 million.

Who the hell would pay that for a Citroën?

[Gerald]

What are the similarities between a woman, and a wiper blade.Answer=both whine when it goes dry.

[BossMark]

Scouse lad goes for a job at sea, the captain says "Have you any experience away at sea?". "No" the lad says "but I'm honest!" The Captain takes him on and off they sail, after 3 weeks at sea the lad is busy swabbing the decks, when a big wave crashes over and sweeps the scouse lad overboard. The 1st mate runs to the captain and says, "You know the scouse lad we took on, the one who said he was honest? Well he has just buggered off with your mop!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife walked in the kitchen and said, "That smells nice, what is it?"

"Its a red wine sauce I've made." I pointed my finger towards her and said, "Have a taste."

She said, "That tastes absolutely disgusting."

"Sorry, wrong finger... scratched my backside with that one."

[BossMark]

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day,she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

[BossMark]

Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office. When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.' 'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?' 'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.' About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright. 'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend says I take too many chances.

My Monopoly set, my rules.