The joke thread - Page 52

Jimbuna · 10-19-11, 11:40 AM

What do you get when you cross Elton John and a pair of trousers with unusually large storage space?

Pocket Man.

BossMark · 10-19-11, 11:44 AM

How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?
Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies"

Jimbuna · 10-19-11, 11:53 AM

Traveller : Why are you throwing me out of my home?
Bailiff : Sorry mate, it's my job
Traveller : What's a job?

BossMark · 10-19-11, 11:55 AM

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi, I"m looking for a job."The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We"ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You"ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided.
Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The salary package is Â£200,000 a year."The scouser said, "You"re kidding me!"The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it.

Jimbuna · 10-19-11, 12:04 PM

BBC NEWS:

'Dale Farm' travellers to be moved after 10 years of negotiations.

You're not much of a traveller if you've been in one place for a decade.

BossMark · 10-19-11, 12:14 PM

An old farmer"s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "why don"t you put an ad in the paper to get him back"
.The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing."What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
"Here boy," said the farmer

Jimbuna · 10-19-11, 12:21 PM

Do you ever do that thing when you're searching for something for ages, and it turns out you were holding it all along?

My granddad was always doing it, and that's why he should never have been allowed to hold grenades during the war.

BossMark · 10-19-11, 01:10 PM

My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die.
I said, "that"s amazing how the hell did he know all that?"
My dad replied, "the judge told him."

Jimbuna · 10-19-11, 02:30 PM

I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a robotic leg.

Oh the iron knee.

Jimbuna · 10-19-11, 02:31 PM

Did you hear about the magic tractor that went down the road and turned into a field?

BossMark · 10-20-11, 01:17 AM

I"ll tell you a fact now, 1898, an Irishman invented the toilet seat.
1899, an Englishman put a hole in it.

Jimbuna · 10-20-11, 04:20 AM

After a night of drinking on the town I started following my sexy neighbour home through the park.

She turned and spotted me behind her and started running.

"Please, no!" she pleaded, horror in eyes, as I gave chase. "Just leave me alone."

"Slow down," I slurred, falling over. "Or I'll never find my way back."

Lord_magerius · 10-20-11, 09:29 AM

Damn, you beat me to it Jim

I've just opened a shop specialising in shelves.

They're flying off the... Selling really well.

BossMark · 10-20-11, 10:02 AM

I was in a restaurant last night and I called the waiter over,
I said "there's a worm in my pie" , the waiter said "
I think you"ll find that its fat" ,
I said " its entitled to be , its eaten all the bloody meat!"

Jimbuna · 10-20-11, 03:47 PM

Gaddafi might be dead, but his son is alive and Saif

10-19-11, 11:40 AM	#766
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What do you get when you cross Elton John and a pair of trousers with unusually large storage space? Pocket Man. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-19-11, 11:44 AM	#767
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house? Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-19-11, 11:53 AM	#768
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Traveller : Why are you throwing me out of my home? Bailiff : Sorry mate, it's my job Traveller : What's a job? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-19-11, 11:55 AM	#769
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I"m looking for a job."The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We"ve just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You"ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is Â£200,000 a year."The scouser said, "You"re kidding me!"The man behind the counter replied, "Well, you bloody started it. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-19-11, 12:04 PM	#770
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	BBC NEWS: 'Dale Farm' travellers to be moved after 10 years of negotiations. You're not much of a traveller if you've been in one place for a decade. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-19-11, 12:14 PM	#771
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	An old farmer"s dog goes missing and he is inconsolable. His wife says to him, "why don"t you put an ad in the paper to get him back" .The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing."What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife. "Here boy," said the farmer __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-19-11, 12:21 PM	#772
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Do you ever do that thing when you're searching for something for ages, and it turns out you were holding it all along? My granddad was always doing it, and that's why he should never have been allowed to hold grenades during the war. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-19-11, 01:10 PM	#773
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, "that"s amazing how the hell did he know all that?" My dad replied, "the judge told him." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-19-11, 02:30 PM	#774
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I used to be a huge fan of Robocop and now I've just been fitted with a robotic leg. Oh the iron knee. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-19-11, 02:31 PM	#775
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the magic tractor that went down the road and turned into a field? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-20-11, 01:17 AM	#776
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I"ll tell you a fact now, 1898, an Irishman invented the toilet seat. 1899, an Englishman put a hole in it. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-20-11, 04:20 AM	#777
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	After a night of drinking on the town I started following my sexy neighbour home through the park. She turned and spotted me behind her and started running. "Please, no!" she pleaded, horror in eyes, as I gave chase. "Just leave me alone." "Slow down," I slurred, falling over. "Or I'll never find my way back." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-20-11, 09:29 AM	#778
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	Damn, you beat me to it Jim I've just opened a shop specialising in shelves. They're flying off the... Selling really well. __________________

10-20-11, 10:02 AM	#779
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I was in a restaurant last night and I called the waiter over, I said "there's a worm in my pie" , the waiter said " I think you"ll find that its fat" , I said " its entitled to be , its eaten all the bloody meat!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

10-20-11, 03:47 PM	#780
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,217 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Gaddafi might be dead, but his son is alive and Saif __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)