The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Pointing to a pan of chicken wings and legs disguised in the classic mess-hall manner, a young airman asked the mess sergeant, "What’s for chow?"

"Air Force chicken," replied the sergeant. "You want wings or landing gear?"

[Aktungbby]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Jimbuna]

Going over our weekly training schedule one morning at our small Army garrison, we noticed that our annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second time, but that our semi–annual physical-fitness test was still on as planned. "Does it bother anyone else," one soldier asked, "that the Army doesn’t seem concerned with how well we can shoot, yet is extremely interested in how fast we can run?"

[Jimbuna]

The topic of the day at Army Airborne School was what you should do if your parachute malfunctions. We had just gotten to the part about reserve parachutes when another student raised his hand.

"If the main parachute malfunctions," he asked, "how long do we have to deploy the reserve?"

Looking the trooper square in the face, the instructor replied, "The rest of your life."

[Jimbuna]

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.

“Our records show you make £500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”

“Um, no,” mumbled the director.

“Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?”

“I … I … I had no idea.”

“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”

[Jimbuna]

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a £500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I’ve bought cars for £500!"

"That’s why I want the £500 suit," he said. "So I don’t have to drive £500 cars."

[Jimbuna]

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma’am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They’re about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

[Jimbuna]

Visiting a college campus, the prospective student spots a building called Hemingway Hall. "That’s nice," he says, "a building named for Ernest Hemingway."

"Actually," says the tour guide, "it’s named for Joshua Hemingway."

"Was he a writer?" the student asks.

"Yes. He wrote a big cheque."

[Jimbuna]

Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn’t put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Jimbuna]

With the economy improved, my son, Pat, finally found a job in electrical engineering. Pat traveled to various locales to analyze and fix problems with his company’s equipment. Yet it frustrated him that his employer gave him little training.

One day Pat heard about some training classes coming up and asked if he might attend. “Oh, sure,” his boss said. “You’re going to be the instructor.”

[BossMark]

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

[Jimbuna]

A welsh politician asked the government for information about UFO sightings and if it might fund UFO research. Officials wrote back, “jang vIDa je due luq … ach ghotvam’e’ QI’yaH devolve qaS.” Which means, “The minister will reply in due course. However, this is a non-devolved matter,” in Klingon.

[Jimbuna]

I'm not saying its rough where I live, but Aldi are selling Fathers Day cards in packs of 5.

[Jimbuna]

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:

• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

• Would the lightning be faster if it didn’t zigzag?

• What do you do with the snow when it melts?

[Jimbuna]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”