The joke thread II

[Catfish]

Absolutely

edit: oh you ...

[Jimbuna]

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

[Catfish]

"Britain would get a better deal if I could negotiate with myself"
(Michel Barnier)

[Jimbuna]

If you’re interested in becoming a lawyer, you’ll need a degree. But as these court transcripts reveal, the question is, in what?

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."

Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

[Jimbuna]

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.

"Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor," I said.

"Linda Jones, probation officer."

"Sam Clark, public defender."

"John," said the teen who was on trial. "I’m the one who stole the truck."

[Jimbuna]

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. "Mr. Peterson," she says. "Would you say you’re honest?"

"Honest?" replies Peterson. "Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case." "Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

"Dad sued me for the money."

[Jimbuna]

When my 88-year-old mother was called for jury duty, she had to submit to questioning by the opposing lawyers.

"Have you ever dealt with an attorney?" asked the plaintiff’s lawyer.

"Yes. I had an attorney write my living trust," she responded.

"And how did that turn out?"

"I don’t know," she said. "Ask me when I’m dead."

[Jimbuna]

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"

"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there."

"That’s not possible," I said. "I wasn’t even a judge then."

"No, you weren’t the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."

[Jimbuna]

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

[Jimbuna]

This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: “Wife wanted.”

He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

[Jimbuna]

Every man wants a beautiful wife, a smart wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, and a cooperative wife. Sadly, bigamy is against the law.

[Platapus]

My wife had the three tributes that I was looking for most in a woman


Brains
Beauty
Very low standards when it comes to men.

[Jimbuna]

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”

The man yells, “Today’s the day!”

[Jimbuna]

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest....

My wife cut me down to only twice a week.

It's not so bad. There are a bunch of guys she cut down to twice a month!