The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

[Jimbuna]

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.'
She said, 'We can't do that!'
I told her, 'You did it last week!'

[Platapus]

Happy wife, happy life

There is nothing that rhymes with Happy Husband
So welcome to marriage.

[Catfish]

^ So GOD created a garden, but he hated gardening.
So there was Adam.
And HE saw that Adam was happy.
The rest is history.

(Thanks to Dave Allen and Steed, who beat me to it )

[Jimbuna]

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, "Hey, that's neat. Where did you get that?"

The parrot says, "France—they've got millions of them there."

[Jimbuna]

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, "You don't see a dog in here drinking a martini very often."

The dog says, "At these prices, I'm not surprised."

[Jimbuna]

So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any jobs?" and the bartender says, "Why don't you try the circus?" The dog replies, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"

[Jimbuna]

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them. The bartender asks, "Would you like to know where the bathroom is?"
"No," says the pig. "I'm the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home."

[Jimbuna]

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

[Jimbuna]

When a neighbor's home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: "Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom."

[Jimbuna]

A bilingual road sign in Wales caught bikers off guard. The English part read Cyclists Dismount. The Welsh: Llid Y Bledren Dymchwelyd, or "Bladder disease has returned." One theory for the mistake—instead of typing cyclist into an online translation program, someone typed cystitis.

[Eichhörnchen]

Some years ago I really did go into a secondhand book shop in Grantham and ask the owner if he had any magic books, or had they all disappeared? He looked at me like he'd heard it before

[Jimbuna]