The joke thread

[kranz]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

Nah, I'm just the class clown.

I have a capo for my guitar. Does that count?

since you used a word which doesn't exist in my dictionary, it doesn't

[Jimbuna]

Bit of an awkward moment today when my missus came face to face with my ex-wife.

I'd forgotten I buried her there as well.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by kranz

since you used a word which doesn't exist in my dictionary, it doesn't

Sorry 'bout that. It's one of these:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capo

[Jimbuna]

I walked out of the supermarket today and spotted a fat chick standing on the roof.

"What are you doing up there?" I shouted.

"I'm killing my self!" she screamed, "I'm sick of being teased about my weight."

"Come on, please, just get down!" I shouted back. "There'll be an earth quake if you jump off there."

[BossMark]

- When you go fishing and you catch something, that’s good. If you’re making love and you catch something, that’s bad.

- Fish don’t compare you to other fishermen neither and don’t want to know how many other fish you caught.

- In fishing you lie about the one that got away. In loving you lie about the one you caught.

- You can catch and release a fish, you don’t have to lie and promise to still be friends after you let it go.

- You don’t have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

- You can catch a fish on a 20-pence night crawler. If you want to catch a woman you’re talking dinner and a movie minimum.

- Fish don’t mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishing.

[Jimbuna]

Our Budgie broke one of its legs the other day, My Master helped him walk around by making a splint out of two matches. You should have seen the budgies little eyes light up: in fact you should have seen him all light up, burnt to a crisp, My Master had left the sandpaper in the bottom!

[BossMark]

A blind man was describing his favourite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked. He quickly answered Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.

[BossMark]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

[Jimbuna]

I walked into the pub and the barman said, "Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you Bob?"

"Whatever you've been drinking, mate."

[Platapus]

Sooooo there is not a requirement that these jokes actually be funny, right?

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by Platapus

Sooooo there is not a requirement that these jokes actually be funny, right?

Nor is there a requirement that the poster actually know the joke so he could tell it at a party, or that he remember it five minutes from now.

[Jimbuna]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

[BossMark]

Nick Clegg admitted he tried marijuana several years ago, but didn't like it. He said it distorted his perceptions, impaired his thinking, and made him feel a bit queer.

I wonder when all these side-effects will wear off?

[Jimbuna]

My local Indian resturant is doing a Falklands war memorial dish to celebrate 30 years since the conflict.

It's called a Argie Bhaji.

[Jimbuna]

Had to ask the yoga group to leave early,

To be fair they were pretty flexible about it.