The joke thread

[simon.c]

The fella who wrote the "Hokey Cokey died the other day,well the undertakers got his left leg in the coffin then all hell broke loose!

[Jimbuna]

When I was young, my mate use to say he was richer than me, because he had a sink in his bedroom.

Can just imagine wiping that smug look off his face, when I show him a picture of my cell.

[BossMark]

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"

[Jimbuna]

Happy Independence Day America!

Or, as it is known in Britain,

"The day we decided that we'd rather keep India"...

[Platapus]

A priest observes this drunk into one of the confessional cubical.

The priest, surmising that this man is in need of spiritual guidance, enters his adjacent cubical.

After a few moments of silence, the priest asks "My son, how can I be of assistance?"

To which the drunk replies "Is there any paper on your side?"

[Jimbuna]

As I crushed the painkillers and poured them into a glass of vodka, I looked at a picture of my wife. "We'll be together soon, my darling..." I said.

"Did you say something?" my wife asked from the next room.

"I'm on the phone to your sister," I said. "Your drink is ready by the way."

[BossMark]

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five pounds that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer."

So the bartender said, "All right. What is 10+11+13."

The dog said, "34." Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 pounds note.

Then the guy said, "Don't let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom."

So he hands the dog the 5 pounds to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, "If you're so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper." So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn't see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, "The dog went to get me a newspaper."

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 pounds before either."

[Zuk]

Originally Posted by BossMark

A guy walks in to a bar with his dog he puts the dog on the bar and says to the bartender, "This is the smartest dog in the world. I bet five pounds that you can ask him any thing and he will tell you the right answer."

So the bartender said, "All right. What is 10+11+13."

The dog said, "34." Wow he got it right. So, he handed over the 5 dollar bill.

Then the guy said, "Don't let my dog go anywhere I have to use the bathroom."

So he hands the dog the 5 pounds to hold while he was in the bathroom. The bartender and the dog were having a conversation with each other so the bartender says, "If you're so smart go down the road and get me a newspaper." So the dog goes out the door then the guy comes out of the bathroom. He couldn't see his dog so he asks the bartender where the dog was.

The bartender tells the guy, "The dog went to get me a newspaper."

The guy throws a fit that the bartender let the dog leave. So the guy goes out to find his dog. He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 pounds before either."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...............................

[Platapus]

Originally Posted by BossMark

He looked all over until he saw his dog in a alley making love to a poodle. The man says, What are you doing? You have never done this before."

The dog says, "I have never had 5 pounds before either."

So what did the dog do with the 5 pound 95 P left over?

[Jimbuna]

Very clever dog changing a 5 dollar bill into 5 pounds

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Very clever dog changing a 5 dollar bill into 5 pounds

Sorted

[Jimbuna]

An Irishman got his first job , working in a match factory


This one works, this one works, this one works.....

[BossMark]

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says
"Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guinness that never goes dry".
"Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guinness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient.
"So what do you want for your other two wishes"? asks the irritated genie.
"Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

[Platapus]

There was a bottleneck at the "Tickle me Elmo" factory.

The supervisor observed the new employee painstakingly sewing a small pouch with two marbles in it between the legs of each Elmo doll.

He laughingly said, "I think you misunderstood me. I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles."

[Jimbuna]

Life..

It's just an f in lie.