The joke thread II - Page 32

Catfish · 10-26-18, 01:28 PM

She: "You never really listen to me, you only understand what you want to understand!"
Me: "Thank you, of course i'll have another beer."

Catfish · 10-26-18, 01:29 PM

Restaurant scene:
"We are vegans, can you recommend anything?"
"A taxi."

mikesn9 · 10-26-18, 03:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catfish

"A taxi."

LOVE IT!

Platapus · 10-27-18, 06:54 AM

I had to borrow my best friend's cell phone to call my wife to let her know i was running late.

She answered the phone "Hi sexy, what's up? I miss you"

I wonder how she knew it was me?

Jimbuna · 10-27-18, 06:55 AM

Psychic wanted: £200,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball.

Platapus · 10-27-18, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

Psychic wanted: £200,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball.

I have often wondered why would a psychic need me to tell them my credit card number? That should be their first test.

I am starting to think it is just a scam.

Jimbuna · 10-28-18, 07:56 AM

Heard on the radio today that someone in the world crashes their car every 30 seconds. Maybe they should take away his licence.

Platapus · 10-28-18, 03:45 PM

I read that the majority of traffic accidents that a person is involved with are within 5 miles of their house.

I moved.

Jimbuna · 10-29-18, 06:57 AM

Got thrown out the cinema today for bringing my own food. I couldn’t resist.. the prices are way too high and also I haven’t had a barbecue in months.

Aktungbby · 10-29-18, 01:41 PM

Jimbuna · 10-29-18, 01:51 PM

Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s.

Platapus · 10-29-18, 03:04 PM

A man of 88 visits his doctor for a yearly check-up
The doctor asks how he feels
The man says: "I feel great, my girlfriend is 18, pregnant and expecting my baby, not bad ...."

The doctor thinks and responds: "Let me tell you a story
I know a hunter who never passed a day in his life in which he didn't go out for a shoot

But one day he mistakenly put his umbrella over his shoulder instead of his gun

Walking through the woods suddenly a bear stood in front of him
He grabbed the umbrella, aimed and ...... PANG ! the bear dropped dead on the ground"

The old man started laughing, that's impossible, there must have been another hunter behind him who shot the bear.

The doctor looked at the man seriously and said: "That is exactly what I meant"

Jimbuna · 10-29-18, 04:05 PM

Jimbuna · 10-30-18, 08:59 AM

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals.

Platapus · 10-30-18, 02:18 PM

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his photographs on display at that time.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your prints.'

'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The guy was your doctor...'

10-26-18, 01:28 PM	#466
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	She: "You never really listen to me, you only understand what you want to understand!" Me: "Thank you, of course i'll have another beer." __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

10-26-18, 01:29 PM	#467
Catfish Dipped Squirrel Operative Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: ..where the ocean meets the sky Posts: 16,897 Downloads: 38 Uploads: 0	Restaurant scene: "We are vegans, can you recommend anything?" "A taxi." __________________ >^..^<*)))>{ All generalizations are wrong.

10-27-18, 06:54 AM	#469
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,963 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I had to borrow my best friend's cell phone to call my wife to let her know i was running late. She answered the phone "Hi sexy, what's up? I miss you" I wonder how she knew it was me? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-27-18, 06:55 AM	#470
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,305 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Psychic wanted: £200,000 per year offered including company car. Please email your CV to the address which appears in your crystal ball. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-28-18, 07:56 AM	#472
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,305 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Heard on the radio today that someone in the world crashes their car every 30 seconds. Maybe they should take away his licence. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-28-18, 03:45 PM	#473
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,963 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I read that the majority of traffic accidents that a person is involved with are within 5 miles of their house. I moved. __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-29-18, 06:57 AM	#474
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,305 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Got thrown out the cinema today for bringing my own food. I couldn’t resist.. the prices are way too high and also I haven’t had a barbecue in months. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-29-18, 01:41 PM	#475
Aktungbby Gefallen Engel U-666 Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: On a tilted, overheated, overpopulated spinning mudball on Collision course with Andromeda Galaxy Posts: 27,872 Downloads: 22 Uploads: 0	some like it Scot! __________________ "Only two things are infinite; The Universe and human squirrelyness; and I'm not too sure about the Universe"

10-29-18, 01:51 PM	#476
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,305 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Just had a really interesting conversation with a Psychology graduate about how on average people tend to day-dream about 40% of the time. He also said something else that was interesting but I forgot the rest of the conversation, will have to ask him again next time he serves me in McDonald’s. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-29-18, 03:04 PM	#477
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,963 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	A man of 88 visits his doctor for a yearly check-up The doctor asks how he feels The man says: "I feel great, my girlfriend is 18, pregnant and expecting my baby, not bad ...." The doctor thinks and responds: "Let me tell you a story I know a hunter who never passed a day in his life in which he didn't go out for a shoot But one day he mistakenly put his umbrella over his shoulder instead of his gun Walking through the woods suddenly a bear stood in front of him He grabbed the umbrella, aimed and ...... PANG ! the bear dropped dead on the ground" The old man started laughing, that's impossible, there must have been another hunter behind him who shot the bear. The doctor looked at the man seriously and said: "That is exactly what I meant" __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

10-29-18, 04:05 PM	#478
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,305 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	__________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-30-18, 08:59 AM	#479
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,305 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the M25. Motorists have been asked to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

10-30-18, 02:18 PM	#480
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,963 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his photographs on display at that time. 'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your prints.' 'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?' 'The guy was your doctor...' __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.