The joke thread II

[magic452]

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint. The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now. You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys. You can even shoot me but you have to let her go right now." The gunman says, "You must really love your wife."

"Yes and she will be home in 20 minutes." he replies.


Magic

[Jimbuna]

My flight was delayed in Houston. Since the gate was needed for another flight, our aircraft was backed away from the terminal, and we were directed to a new gate. We all found the new gate, only to discover a third gate had been designated for our plane.

Finally, everyone got on board the right plane, and the flight attendant announced: “We apologize for the gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., you should deplane at this time.”

A moment later a red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. “Sorry,” he said, “wrong plane.”

[Jimbuna]

My wife received a credit-card application in the mail that she had not requested. She didn’t want it, but I did. So I crossed off my wife’s name on the form, entered my own and returned the application. I soon got a phone call from a woman saying my application had been rejected.

I asked her why, and she told me the card could only be issued to the person originally solicited by the offer. However, she invited me to reapply, which I did during the same telephone call.

A few days later I got another call to tell me my second application had been rejected.

Why? The woman told me their files showed that I had previously applied for a card and had been declined.

[Jimbuna]

The aquarium shop where I work has been in business for more than 20 years. One Sunday a customer called wanting to buy a larger aquarium. "And by the way, I’ve spent a lot of money at your store over the years," he said. "I think I should get a discount."

"Only our owner can give a discount," I explained, "and he won’t be in until tomorrow."

When the customer said that he’d come in the next day, I asked him if there was anything else I could help him with.

"Sure," he said. "Where is your store located?"

[Jimbuna]

On the back of a septic-service company truck:

“Satisfaction guaranteed, or your merchandise cheerfully refunded.”

[Jimbuna]

During the mortgage closing on our summer house, my wife and I were asked to sign documents containing small print. When I asked if I should read it, my attorney replied, “Legally, you should. But here’s the bottom line: If you pay your installments on time, there is nothing in there that could harm you. Should you stop paying, however, there is definitely nothing in the small print that can save you.”

[Jimbuna]

Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.” That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.

“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.

Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”

[Jimbuna]

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. "Time to take your temperature, General."

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

"Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you" and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, "What's going on here?"

"Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" the general barked.

"Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?"

[Jimbuna]

I hate jokes about German sausages.

They’re the wurst.

[Jimbuna]

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

[mikesn9]

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.

BOO! HISS!!

Chuckle.

[Jimbuna]

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

[Jimbuna]

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

[Jimbuna]

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a binman,” he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that binmen work only on Tuesdays.”

[Platapus]

This reminds me of the joke about the roofer.

I would tell it to you but I am afraid it would be over your head.