The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Thanks to autocorrect, onw in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.
Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening.
I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works.
I already have three people following me—two police officers and a psychiatrist.

[Jimbuna]

I was in a couple’s home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife 
in the other room for the computer password. “Start with a capital S, then 123,” she shouted back.

We tried S123 several times, but it didn’t work. So we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, “I really don’t know what’s so difficult about typing Start123.”

[Catfish]

From Twitter:
I know it's not very "politically correct" to say it out loud but in the wasteland of ruined post brexit Britain I am going to hunt and eat old people

[Jimbuna]

A client called my help desk saying she couldn’t send an e-mail. When I was done troubleshooting the problem, she interrupted me to ask, “Wait a minute, do I type @ in lower- or uppercase?”

[Jimbuna]

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. I have to call everyone back.

~

Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.

Mom: WTF!

Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.

~

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.

[Jimbuna]

As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.

I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”

[Jimbuna]

Google: “Warning! You may find more than what you’re looking for.”

Apple computers: “Warning! High Smug Advisory.”

Wikipedia: “Warning label does not exist. Would you like to create warning label?”

Match.com: “Contents may just be settling.”

[Jimbuna]

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that can fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently, the engines are powered by human screams.

[Jimbuna]

We were at a red light when a car pulled up, its music blasting. “He’ll be deaf before he’s 25,” I said.

“It won’t help us,” my wife replied. “He’ll only turn it up.”

[Jimbuna]

I told the kids I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. So they unplugged my computer and threw out my wine.

[Jimbuna]

The only people who don’t click Skip on ads before YouTube videos are people who died during that ad.

[Jimbuna]

If someone from the 1950s suddenly appeared, what would be the most difficult thing to explain about life today?
One answer: “I possess a device in my pocket that is capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man. I use it to look at pictures of cats and get into arguments with strangers.”

[Jimbuna]

Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. £200 Or best offer.

[Aktungbby]

*SERENITY NOW*

I am into solitude, long walks,
sunrises, the ocean, yoga,
and meditation.
If you are the silent type,
let's get together, take out our
hearing aids and enjoy quiet times.