The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I forgot to put the seat belt on my five-year-old boy this morning.

As we were leaving the car park, somebody shouted, "You are an irresponsible father!"

I said, "Who the heck was that? Stop the car, son."

[BossMark]

One day a blonde decided to get a mobile phone. After talking with the salesman, she finally selected a model and signed up for the service.
Over the next few days she called her friends and gave them her new number.
A few days later while shopping, her phone rang for the first time.
Surprised, she answered it. It was her best friend. Completely dumbfounded, she asked in amazement, "How did you know where to call me?"

[Jimbuna]

In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist.

It was the stuff of knight mares

[BossMark]

A blonde government supervisor called in a subordinate regarding his failure to complete his last task.
Blonde: Sam, I see you only converted 4 out of the 5 books I asked you to convert to Braille. As you know our state needs to make our publications available to everyone including the blind.
Sam: Yes, of course.
Blonde: So what happened with that fifth book?
Sam: You mean the auto mobile driving manual?

[Hottentot]

I found these from a book detailing actual jokes being told 1930s Soviet Union. Many of them are actually still alive and being told, but these ones I hadn't heard before.

- - - - - - - - -

God gets annoyed at the Soviet Union's anti-religious campaign and decides to fix the problem by sending Jesus to Russia. A month passes and nothing is heard. God gets worried and sends an angel to find Jesus. A week later the angel comes back with a note:

"Arrested for counter-revolutionary agitation. On the way to interrogation. Help! -Jesus"

God decides to send the angel back to save Jesus. A week later another note arrives:

"Arrested for spying. Being interrogated. Help! -Angel."

God gets really worried now and decides to send Saint Peter to Russia to save both Jesus and the angel. A month passes until finally a note arrives in a fine envelope:

"Alive and well. -People's Commissar Petrov."

- - - - - - - - - -

Stalin hast lost his pipe and furiously calls the NKVD. He orders them at once to find his pipe as well as the filthy thief who stole it. However, an hour later he finds out that he had simply misplaced the pipe in his pocket and calls the NKVD again.

"I found it, you can stop searching."
"But comrade Stalin, we have already arrested 10 people for the theft."
"Well let them go then."
"We can't, they have already confessed!"

- - - - - - - - -

Stalin is giving a speech to a private audience of high ranking officials. In the middle of his preaching someone sneezes. An awkward silence follows...

"Who sneezed?!" Stalin demands to know. Nobody admits.
"Take every tenth person from the audience and sentence them to ten years of forced labor", he orders the guards and it happens.
"Who sneezed?!" He asks again, but still no one admits.
"Take every fifth person and sentence them to death", he orders again.
After this has been done, he asks again: "Who sneezed?!"
"Comrade Stalin, it was I", one of the official finally stutters nervously.
"Oh", Stalin nods. "Bless you", he says and continues his speech.

- - - - - - - - -

A factory worker is late. When he finally arrives to his post, his supervisor is there waiting for him.

"What is this?!" The supervisor demands to know, "You are half an hour late! The five year plan will never become reality with people like you! I could have you arrested for sabotage!!"
"I'm sorry, comrade supervisor, I slept too long", the worker explains.
"That's no excuse! You could have slept at work!"

[Jimbuna]

My mate said, "I think I asked that new barmaid to marry me last night."

"Nah, it was just the beer talking."

"How do you know?"

"Because the beer shut up just after you passed out."

[BossMark]

Old Father O"Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You"re the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I"ve ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog.""Incredible!" said Father O"Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?""Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I"ll be back to normal.""Well," said Father O"Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."So Father O"Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

[Jimbuna]

I was standing outside the off licence earlier when I stopped some bloke who was going in.

I said, "Excuse me mate, can you buy me some alcohol please?"

He looked at me and said, "You must be old enough, surely?"

"Yeah I am" I replied, "I just don't have any money."

[Hottentot]

1940. Hitler asks Stalin to help him in destroying London. Stalin sends a brigade of Soviet apartment managers.

- - - - - - - - -

Agitator: "Work hard for the plan and we will catch the capitalist countries!"
Audience: "When we catch them, can we stay there?"

[Jimbuna]

I was fired from my job at the baseball cap shop yesterday.

It happened at the drop of a hat.

[Sailor Steve]

Joke from when I was a kid:

Steve: I can jump higher than the Empire State Building!

Bill: No you can't!

Steve: Sure I can! How high can the Empire State Building jump?

[BossMark]

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newly-weds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."


Reminds me of this
only fools and horses chandelier

[Jimbuna]

I bought my son a toy cowboy set, but he threw away the Roy Rogers cowboy and just runs around shooting everyone with the horse.

I think he's trigger happy.

[BossMark]

One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.
"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."
"Logic" replied Mick. "What's Logic?" said Pat.
"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a Gold Fish?"
Pat: "I do!"
Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" Pat: "That's Right!" Mick:
"So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!"
Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions. An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey!. After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.
Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". Pat replies "He's studying at the University".
Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".
Pat: "Logic!" Shamey: "And What's Logic?"
Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a Gold Fish?" Shamey: "I Do!"
Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"

[Jimbuna]

A man gets stranded on a mysterious island where he comes across a stranger.
Slightly worried he asks the stranger "are there any cannibals on this island?"
At which the stranger replies "no, no ,no don't worry there aren't any cannibals here.....
I ate the last one"