The joke thread

[BossMark]

More people die on Britain's roads each year than drowned when The Titanic sank.

Yet you still can't buy a car with a lifeboat.

[BossMark]

My girlfriend has lost a stone this week!

She put on 3 pounds so I took my engagement ring back.

[Jimbuna]

I was in North London this morning and I saw a bloke in a wheelchair. I said to him, "What happened to you?"

He replied, "I was in Nam."

I said, "What, Vietnam?"

He said, "No. Tottenham."

[BossMark]

In an exclusive interview Julian Assange has revealed his deepest fear.

Hearing the fire alarm go off.

[BossMark]

Police have arrested a man at a Heathrow Airport Tube station and recovered a pair of scissors after another man was attacked on the London Underground.

Apparently they are now looking for a man with a Rock and another with a piece of Paper.

[Eichhörnchen]

Q: What's pink and plays tennis?

A: Foetus Gerulaitis

[Harvs]

Q. What do you call a baby born in a house of ill repute ?

A. A brothel sprout

[BossMark]

If you hold a mackerel to your ear you can just about hear the fishmonger in Morrisons telling you to put it down

[Jimbuna]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[BossMark]

I asked this bloke with a massive tattoo of the union jack covering most of his neck.

"Excuse me mate, " I said, "but why do you need that on your neck? "

"It stops people asking me awkward questions, " he replied, "like for instance, what do you do for a living? "

[Jimbuna]

I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.

I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.

[BossMark]

I've currently got my head stuck in a vase, after I tried to pick out a Smartie from the bottom using just my teeth.
I've told my son to ring the fire brigade, but apparently, he doesn't know the number.


I don't know where that dumb so and so gets his bloody brains from, sometimes.

[Lord_magerius]

I was standing in the centre of Newcastle after a night out, eating my chips, when a local bird came staggering over, "Hey, handsome." she smiled, "Fancy taking me back to mine and giving me one?"

I said, "Not really, you fat bugger. Buy your own."

[BossMark]

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

[Jimbuna]

A white U.S. Government Official asked the Indian Chief "Two Eagles",
"You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done. Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then
calmly replied,"When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing - All night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."