The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

I wouldn't say my girlfriend is overweight but when she goes out walking in high heels she comes home in flip-flops.

[Jimbuna]

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what did the chicken do?"

[Jimbuna]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Eichhörnchen]

Hey, here's one I just made up...

I have to be careful what I say... my teeth are very sensitive

[Catfish]

" [...] a bit like British people on tour talking to foreigners in that way of going ‘what we want, is we don’t want free movement but we want access to the single market’ and they’re going ‘well, you cannot have that’ and we’re going ‘no you don’t understand, WE WANT…” ad infinitum

[Catfish]

Originally Posted by Eichhörnchen

Hey, here's one I just made up...
I have to be careful what I say... my teeth are very sensitive

Not bad. But a squirrels teeth are.. "sensitive"?
(doing Schroeder's job )

[Jimbuna]

The past, present and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

[Jimbuna]

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

[Jimbuna]

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!

[Jeff-Groves]

My Step Son, who spent way to much time on the computer, and I had a talk about life.
I told him he needed to move out so he asked me why.
I explained he wanted to live in a 3D World and explained what a 3D World is.
There's the Door, There's the Driveway, and Don't come back.

[Jimbuna]

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay £855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

[Jimbuna]

A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!
' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'

[Jimbuna]

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.

[Jimbuna]

An old guy walks into a bar and the bartender asks for ID. "You've got to be kidding," he said. "I'm almost 60 years old."
The bartender apologized, but said he had to see the license. The guy showed his ID, then paid and told the bartender to keep the change. "The tip's for carding me," he said.
The bartender put the change in the tip cup. "Thanks," he said. "Works every time."

[Jimbuna]

A dog walks into a butcher shop and the butcher asks, “What do you want?” The dog points to steak in a glass case. “How many pounds?” The dog barks twice. “Anything else?” The dog points to some pork chops and barks four times. So the butcher wraps up a two-pound steak and four pork chops, and places the bag in the dog’s mouth. He then takes money from a purse tied around the dog’s neck, and sees him out.

A customer, who has been watching in amazement, follows the dog to a house several blocks away, where it rings the doorbell to be let in. As the owner appears at the door, the customer says, “What a remarkable dog!”

“Remarkable?” snorts the owner. “This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”