The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

A couple from Montreal decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to
thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they
had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that
the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow
him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the
hotel.
There, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an email back in
Montreal. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address
and sent the email without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was
a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a
heart attack. The widow checked her email, expecting messages from relative
and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the
floor.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw
the computer screen which read:

TO: MY LOVING WIFE
FROM: YOUR DEPARTED HUSBAND
SUBJECT: I'VE ARRIVED

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has
been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

[Aktungbby]

Posh hotels have turn down service! I had never heard of this and there was a knock at my door and a woman said ' I've come to turn down your bed.' To which I said, "Well many women have in the past; why should you be any different."

[Catfish]

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.
Trump goes back to the Chinese and asks "why 3 million?" The Chinese say "1 million for the paint, 1 million for the labor, and 1 million profit."
He then goes to the Europeans and asks "why 7 million?" The Europeans reply "2 million for the best quality paint, 3 million for the specialized labor, and 2 million profit"
Trump finally goes to the Ecuadorians and asks "why 10 million?" The Ecuadorians reply, "3 million for you, 4 million for us, and with the last 3 million we hire the damn Chinese.

[Jimbuna]

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mother said, "Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

[Jimbuna]

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She called the police immediately to report the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch.
The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder.
She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.
"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.
The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a blind policeman!"

[Jimbuna]

A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards.
Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game.
Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers "
Wow, that's a really smart dog!".
The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"

[longface]

The Lubyanka is the tallest building in Moscow. You can see Siberia from the basement.

An American and a Sov are arguing over which country is more democratic. The American says, "in America, we have the freedom to say whatever we want. We can even say '**** the president' without punishment."

The Sov laughs. "In Soviet Russia, we too can say '**** Reagan' without fear of punishment."

[Jimbuna]

A married couple go to a restaurant.
A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it.
The man asks, "Where's the burger?"
The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit.
"I was keeping it warm," she replies.
The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."

[Jimbuna]

To the tune of "Walking in a Winter Wonderland":

Dog tags ring, are you listening'?
In the lane, snow is glistening.
It's yellow, not white I've been there tonight,
Marking up my winter wonderland.
Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.
It's a sign for wandering vagrants;
"Avoid where I pee, it's my property.
Marked up as my winter wonderland."
In the meadow dad will build a snowman,
following the classical design.
Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man,
So all the world will know it's mine-mine-mine!
Straight from me to the fence post,
flows my natural incense boast,
"Stay off of my turf, this small piece of earth,
I mark it as my winter wonderland."

[longface]

A blond guy is driving down a highway when he spots another blond person, in a canoe, busily rowing. In the middle of a empty field. He lets out an expletive, slams the brakes, and pulls over. "Just what do you think you're doing?!" He demands. "YOU, SIR, ARE THE REASON WE BLONDS ARE SEEN AS STUPID! HAVE YOU A BRAIN? HAVE YOU NO SHAME?!" The canoe guy practically melts in the face of such fury. The first blond man gives the second a withering glare. "If I could swim, I'd go out there and punch you myself!"

[Jimbuna]

A police officer pulls over an elderly female for speeding while driving her husband to a doctors appointment.
The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding.
She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding."
The officer asked the elderly female for her driver's license and she turned and asked her husband, "What did he say?
The husband replies, "he wants to see your driver's license."
The women hands the officer her license and he sees that she is from his old home town.
The officer tells the couple that he remembered the town because he had the worst sexual experience of his life there.
The women looks at her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The husband replies, "He says he knows you."

[Jimbuna]

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving.
The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police.
A police officer pulled the car over.
A blonde rolls down the window and says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

[Jimbuna]

A guy arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find his lover in bed with a young, handsome boy.
Just as he was about to storm out of the house, his lover stopped him with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about:"
"Driving home, I saw this young guy, looking poor and tired, I offered him a ride.
He was hungry, so I brought him home and fed him some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
His shoes were worn out so I gave him a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
He was cold so I gave him that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you.
His trousers were worn out so I gave him a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as he was about to leave the house, he paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your lover doesn't use anymore?'
"And so, here we are!"

[Jimbuna]

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple’s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"Screw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one’s all mine!"

[Aktungbby]

Getting Old is a bitch!

An 80-year old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great! How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes of."

" WOW, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife.

"Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But, I had to call you as I am in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night, POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom and when he's done POOF! the light goes off?"

"Oh, my God!" Ethel exclaims,"He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"