The joke thread

[donna52522]

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're called "players," but when I do it I'm called a "lesbian."

[fireftr18]

Originally Posted by donna52522

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're called "players," but when I do it I'm called a "lesbian."

[BossMark]

The Police say they're going to investigate their own lack of response to the report of an alarm being triggered at the safety deposit box centre in Hatton Garden.

If they can be arsed.

[Jimbuna]

When the same man came into the branch of Oxfam I work in for the fifth week running, my curiosity got the better of me and I went onto the shop floor to speak to him.

"Excuse me sir", I said, "I couldn't help but notice that you appear to be a tramp, yet every Friday and Saturday you come to this shop and spend £5 on a pair of smart black shoes. I have to confess that it's got me completely baffled and I just wanted to ask you why?"

"Well there's a perfectly simple explanation", he answered, "You see, on the weekends I sit in a doorway by a nightclub that has a very strict dress code".

"That doesn't explain it", I replied, "I mean, you don't need smart shoes just to sit outside".

"I can see what you mean", he said with a chuckle, "But they're pretty useful if you want to get twenty quid off some idiot who's come out wearing trainers".

[ShadowSlayer1]

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Jimbuna]

A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,

"Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically,

"Enter the dragon, " I replied.

[Jimbuna]

I was running my son's bath earlier when I shouted down to my girlfriend, "I think this water's too hot for him!"

She said, "Well, put an arm in and see."

"Yeah, I was right," I replied. "His skin's gone all red and he's crying."

[BossMark]

After his wedding yesterday , Andy Murray can now get back to what he is best at.

Being the bridesmaid to Djokovic.

[ShadowSlayer1]

Irish Cop, and London Lawyer


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop . He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Irish cop . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense!


Irish cop says,"License and registration, please . "


London Lawyer says, "What for?"


Irish cop says,"Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign . "


London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming . "


Irish cop says,"Ye still didnae come to a complete stop . License and registration, please"


London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"


Irish cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law . License and registration,please!"


London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket . If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket . "


Irish cop says, "Sounds fair . Exit your vehicle, sir . "


The London Lawyer exits his vehicle .


The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living DAY LIGHTS out of the lawyer and says, "Daeyewant me to stop, or just slow down? "

[ShadowSlayer1]

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.



Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'


'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

[ShadowSlayer1]

Laughed MAO when I read this one.

Something Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[Jimbuna]

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

[BossMark]

A terrorist hijacked a bus full of Japanese tourists and stole all of their jewellery, but the police say they could catch him fairly quickly as they have three thousand photos of him.

[BossMark]

There was an interesting article in the news today about suicide being the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK. I would have read it in full but my wife said I still had to do the hoovering, clean the dishes, tidy my clothes from the bedroom floor, mow the lawn, fix the broken fence panel, empty the bins, change the bathroom light bulb, pay the gas bill, walk the dog and collect the kids from football practice before going round her mother's house for dinner.

[Jimbuna]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."