The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I got one of those sat nav system for my car that claim to find anywhere, so i typed in my girlfriends g-spot and it sent me to her ex boyfriends house.

[BossMark]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT *********G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.

[Jimbuna]

A fellow Police officer said to me, "Have you thought about becoming a Mason?"

I said, "There's a rumour going around the station, when you lot secretly get together you all wear stockings and suspenders...is it true?"

He said, "Of course not, NO, it isn't."

I said, "In that case I'm not joining."

[BossMark]

A BIG-GAME hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One night the couple woke to find the mother gone. In a clearing not far from the camp they came upon a chilling sight, the mother-in-law was backed up against a tree with a snarling lion facing her.
The wife said: “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, he can get himself out of it.”

[Jimbuna]

I gave my sister away at her wedding.
I stood up and shouted "SHE USED TO BE A MAN"

[Platapus]

I got a hand gun for my wife.

Pretty good trade huh?

[Jimbuna]

I like to do a bit of after dinner speaking.

Like, "Now go and wash up."

[BossMark]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

[Jimbuna]

I went to the bank today to ask for a loan.

"What do you need the money for sir?"

"It's for a car".

"Oh nice, what are you getting?"

"Just some unleaded".

[BossMark]

Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly gates,
where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard. "Name," says St.
Peter.
"Margaret Thatcher," she replies.
St. Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the name
of the former British leader. "I am sorry," he says, "you cannot come in. Your
place is downstairs, in Hell. Mrs. Thatcher turns and walks down the stairs.
A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers, and a voice says, "Hello
Peter, it is the Devil speaking. You will have to take that bloody woman after
all - she is only been here for ten minutes and she has closed half the furnaces
to reduce capacity."

[Jimbuna]

What's the difference between Klitschko and my wife ?

My wife got a punch in the face last night.

[BossMark]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[Platapus]

Ever wonder why peanut butter is sticky but tomato paste is slippery?

[Jimbuna]

It's Bill Withers birthday today.

I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

[Osmium Steele]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

It's Bill Withers birthday today.

I, for one, hope he has a lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

+1

Hey, maybe its .