The joke thread

[BossMark]

A boy went to his grandfather's house for a week. On the first night at dinner he found a thick, slimy goo on his plate, so he said to his grandfather "Grandpa is this plate clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." his grandfather answered. This went on for the rest of the week. On the last day when the boy was leaving the dog wouldn't let him through. So he said "Grandpa your dog won't let me through." His grandfather replied "Cold Water go lie down"

[Jimbuna]

I know only 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know 'why'.

[BossMark]

Three Cork men squared up to each other in a Liverpool street. There they stood in a triangular bust-up. Names were called, aspersions were cast and blows seemed inevitable. Suddenly, like the US cavalry, there appeared a van load of policemen called by a worried passer-by.
'Right boys,' shouted the sergeant, 'let's all calm down and get our heads together. For a start we'll have your names!'
Not wishing to disclose his identity, drunk number one looked around and saw a shop name.
'FW Woolworth, sir,' he said with a smile.
'Well done,' said number two glancing at another sign. 'Mark Spencer,' he cried.
Number three, the worst of all for drink, looked round and then kept up the theme with the totally unforgettable:
'Halifax Building Society!'

[Jimbuna]

When I won the lottery I decided to phone my ex-wife to rub it in.

"I bet you feel gutted knowing that I've won six million quid and you could've had half if you hadn't cheated on me", I sneered at her, thinking I'd finally managed to get the last word.

"On the contrary, I'm delighted for you", she replied. "It's about time your balls dropped".

[BossMark]

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb"

[Jimbuna]

Exit signs, they're on the way out.

[KaptCosper]

Atom 1: Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!

Atom 2: Really? Are you sure?

Atom 1: I'm Positive

[stoppro]

Roses are red and ready for plucking
You're sixteen and ready for high school

[Jimbuna]

"Please babe," I pleaded, running to the front door. "Don't leave this way".

"Move out the way Dave, I'm going," my wife screamed. "You won't even be seen in public with me without making out we're not together".

"I know but don't go this way," I replied. "Everyone knows I live here, use the back door".

[Herr-Berbunch]

“Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the community, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don’t worry, Dad I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
your son.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home….”

[Jimbuna]

Did you know Its impossible to say "Good Eye Might" without sounding Australian?

[BossMark]

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

[Jimbuna]

There is a smart blonde, a dumb blonde and santa playing poker, who wins?

The dumb blonde because the other two aren't real.

[BossMark]

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[Jimbuna]

As a sufferer of depression, I was advised to replace the sadness in my life with an activity, so I took up squash.

It hasn't worked though, I'll never be as good as the wall.