The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

My fat ex-girlfriend recently got a t-shirt saying, ‘I’m a maneater’…
I told her that’s not how you spell manatee!

[Jimbuna]

I used to work for a Jewish carpenter.

He used to check my fingers for splinters to make sure I wasn’t stealing.

[Jimbuna]

Knocked on my neighbours door and just had the following conversation.

Me: Your son has just run out in front of my car, I nearly killed him!!
Neighbour: I’m so sorry, he won’t be doing it again.
Me: I know he won’t, the paramedic said he probably won’t walk again.

[Jimbuna]

My young daughter asked me this morning.

“Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night, I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream?”

“Nothing darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half shaved head.

[Jimbuna]

The following conversation took place between a husband and wife before bed.

Wife: Have you emptied the trash tonight?
Husband: Erm no, I’ll do it in the morning.
Wife: What about the cat?
Husband: I can ask but I think it might be a bit too heavy for him to lift.

[Jimbuna]

Did you hear about the Irish metal detector who got trapped after digging a 30 foot hole? Turns out he was wearing steel toecap boots.

[Jimbuna]

My wife just called me.

She said, “Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous.”

I said, “That’s probably why they’ve received flowers then.”

[Platapus]

A ship carrying a cargo of Red and Violet paint struck a small island and sunk
The crew is feared to be marooned.

[Jimbuna]

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig. It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

[Jimbuna]

I want to meet a girl who loves romantic walks because I don’t have a car or any money.

[Jeff-Groves]

Went to a Lowe's and used my Lowe's account card.
They asked to see a picture ID as usual.
"That doesn't look like you!"
Since I was wearing face panties? I wasn't surprised.
So I used a black marker to draw it on my drivers license.
"Ah! OK. Purchase approved!"

[Platapus]

My doctor told me that I was color blind


That news came right out of the grey

[Jimbuna]

My friend rang me and asked, “What’re you doing at the moment?”

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

[Jimbuna]

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, “Just use a spoon, Steve. You’re not a Jedi.”

[Jimbuna]

Man: You’re a bit fat aren’t you.
Women: Tell me something I don’t know!
Man: Salad taste’s nice.