The joke thread

[Catfish]

Dear Santa, please get me a lean body and a fat bank account -
and pretty please don't mix it up like last year.

[komi]

A Chukchi in the USSR returns to his remote little Siberian village after a visit to Moscow. All the villagers are eager to hear his story, asking him what life is like in the glorious Communist capital.

"It's truly an amazing place" the Chukchi says. "In Communism they say everything is for the benefit of man. And in Moscow, I was able to meet that man himself!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is about to enter a meeting at work when he realizes that he forgot some important paperwork. He calls home so that his wife can retrieve them. The maid answers the phone and says that his wife is busy. He demands that the maid put his wife on the phone. The maid informs the man that his wife is in bed with the gardener. The man goes nuts, and offers the maid one million dollars to shoot them both. The maid agrees and he soon hears two gunshots. The maid returns to the phone and he asks her what happened. The maid says she shot his wife in bed and the gardener ran, so she shot him by the pool. The man says, "Pool??? Is this 555-4320???"

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[Jimbuna]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

[mikesn9]

"The only thing I smell is molasses."

Boo! Hiss!
chuckle chuckle.

[Jimbuna]

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

[Jimbuna]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunken backside off the merry-go-round!

[Jimbuna]

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."
The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The momma cow again replieds" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

[Jimbuna]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.
The poodle thinks, "Uh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!" says the leopard. "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"
Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear. "Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says. "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

[GoldenRivet]

During the second world war, the rookie replacement private was walking on a patrol and he approached the old crusty veteran Sarge.

"Sarge." said the rookie "You seen a lot of action?"

"Private... i seen all the action." the sarge replied. "North Africa, Italy, all the way to Normandy and now here in Belgium."

"Well Sarge," continued the rookie "I never seen any action, and i was wonderin'... if we come upon a unit and we can't tell if theys enemy or theys allies, how can you know for sure?"

the sarge explained to the rookie quite plainly

"Take aim, and let off a round with your rifle, but aim so you dont hit anyone....

... if they respond with a fusillade of accurate rifle fire, they're British

... if they respond with a whole mess of machine gun fire, they're Germans.

... if they throw down their rifles and march toward you with their hands up, they're Italian.

... if nothing happens, and about 5 minutes later your position is totally obliterated by air support or an artillery strike, they're American."

[Jimbuna]

A 92 year old man is walking through a park and sees a talking frog.
He picks up the frog and the frogs says, “If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and be yours for a week.”
The old man puts the frog in his pocket.
The frog screams, “Hey if you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess and make love to you for a whole month.”
The old man looks at the frog and says, “At my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”

[Jimbuna]

One day a duck walks in a store and asks the manager if they sell grapes.
The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes."
The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question. The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes."
The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes.
This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!"
The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails.
The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails."
The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

[Jimbuna]

A chicken walks into a library, goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book."
The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away.
About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book."
The librarian decides the chicken wants another book so he takes the old book back and gives the chicken another book.
The chicken walks out the door.
Ten minutes later the chicken comes back again, very agitated, saying, "Book book book!" so quickly it almost sounds like one word.
The chicken puts the book on the librarians desk and looks up - waiting for another book.
This time the librarian gives the chicken another book and decides that something weird is happening. He follows the chicken out the door and into the park, all the way to the pond. In the pond is a frog sitting on a lily pad. The chicken gives the book to the the frog, who then says, "Reddit, reddit."

[Jimbuna]

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen."
So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted "Amen!" and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge. "Whew," said the man, "thank God!"