The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Sky News : "Diego Maradona Hit By Bus"

"People are saying he stuck his hand out, but I just didn't see him," said the English driver with a vengeful look on his face.

[BossMark]

A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore I chose "Carmen". "What's your name?" she asked.
He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

[Jimbuna]

My son came home from school in tears this afternoon, he said a gang of bullies had beaten him up in an unprovoked attack and called him disgusting names.

Luckily his iPad 2 was completely unscathed during the attack.

[BossMark]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to take a piss."

[Jimbuna]

The wife said that she wanted a new watch for her birthday.

"Don't be funny," I replied, "there's a perfectly good clock on the cooker."

[BossMark]

A little boy was doing his Geography homework one evening and turned to his father and said, "Daddy, where would I find the Andes?" "Don't ask me," said his father. "Ask your mother. She puts everything away in this house."

[Herr-Berbunch]

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. That's fine, but not what I meant by 'I wanna watch'.

[BossMark]

[MH]

What Makes 100%?

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Find hereby, not a real joke, but a funny explanation, and it has a Kabbalistic smell...Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer this question:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

...............

[BossMark]

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it's up?"
A Bank manager says "don't take it out you'll lose interest"!

[Jimbuna]

Candles lit, food ready, background music - the scene was set perfectly.

My girlfriend walked in the door exhausted from work and I smiled at her. The time was so right. I got down on one knee and held the ring up in the air.

"What is this?" she moaned.

"I'm scared," I said. "Please watch it with me."

[BossMark]

A blonde decided to commit suicide by hanging herself from a tree in the park.

A few days later, a man was walking his dog and spotted her hanging from the tree. He asks the blonde what she is doing and she replies, "I'm hanging myself." "You're supposed to put the noose around your neck, not your waist," said the onlooker. "I tried that," replied the blonde, "but I couldn't breathe.

[BossMark]

Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.
__________________________________________________ _______

Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

[Jimbuna]

I saw my ex pushing a baby down the street today.
We stopped, she nodded at the pushchair and said, "It's yours."
I said, "Oh my God... really?"
She said, "Yeah, really."
So I picked up the baby, threw it on the floor and walked away with my new set of wheels.

A friend accidentally dropped his donkey jacket into a raw sewage poole while refurbishing the macerator pumps. He quickly made his way to the pooles edge where he lowered himself gently into flotsam and waded out to collect his jacket before it sank.

The management called my friend into the office and read him the riot act, claiming the dangers of being overcome by gas and then drowning in raw sewage would contravene every health and safty rule known to man, and were seriously considering his dismissal.

They asked him, why in heavens sake did you do this? you of all people know the dangers.

My friend, because I left my sandwiches in my jacket pocket