The joke thread - Page 136

RundownJet · 06-22-12, 11:32 AM

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying.
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant...Eh?

Jimbuna · 06-22-12, 02:56 PM

Q: What happens if the local butcher receives a complaint regarding a bad slice of spam?

A: The offending spam is taken off the shelf and a new menu is created.

kiwi_2005 · 06-23-12, 06:04 AM

How NOT to use LOL

My ma ain't too computer speak savvy and has been on Facebook for about a year yet still thinks lol means lots of love.
I don't use FB myself but was around her place today and hopped on her puter to see how some of my auctions were going and her FB was still logged in so I had a quick gawk...

Aunt: Hi (ma's name here), Pete passed away last night,we were all around him when he left so now we are making plans for his funeral. Are you and Dave coming up for it?

Ma: Hi, sorry to hear of Pete's passing, lol, myself and Dave won't be there for his funeral but he will be in our thoughts at this sad time lol.
We can make it for his unveiling next year if that happens. LOL.

Aunt: Ok...good to hear from you,luv to all.

Ma: LOL!

BossMark · 06-23-12, 06:30 AM

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, so she immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ''Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I
could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Gold-circle Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Jimbuna · 06-23-12, 07:21 AM

I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriends house, when she approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here, are you stalking me or something?"

"Don't flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your internet connection."

WernherVonTrapp · 06-23-12, 02:23 PM

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their navals.

Because blonde guys are stupid too.

RundownJet · 06-23-12, 03:08 PM

I tried to get a job as a beer taster once, but in the end, I bottled it!

RundownJet · 06-23-12, 03:09 PM

Q: Why don't pigs use the telephone?
A: Because there's crackling on the line!

Jimbuna · 06-23-12, 03:55 PM

I am going to 'The Annual Sarcasm Convention' tomorrow.

What an inventive name.

BossMark · 06-25-12, 02:28 PM

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

06-25-12, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WernherVonTrapp

Why do blonde girls have bruises around their navals.

Because blonde guys are stupid too.

Jimbuna · 06-25-12, 03:29 PM

I reckon I might have a chance of winning the competition to find Britain's most independent man..... I just need somebody to get me the details of how to enter.

BossMark · 06-26-12, 01:41 PM

The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 roubles.

Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.

The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.

They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."

The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"

The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

BossMark · 06-26-12, 01:45 PM

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt.

He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop.

"Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.
When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.
"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

"Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.
Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Jimbuna · 06-29-12, 10:58 AM

I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down!"

06-22-12, 02:56 PM	#2027
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Q: What happens if the local butcher receives a complaint regarding a bad slice of spam? A: The offending spam is taken off the shelf and a new menu is created. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-23-12, 06:04 AM	#2028
kiwi_2005 Eternal Patrol Join Date: May 2004 Location: Aeoteroa Posts: 7,382 Downloads: 223 Uploads: 1	How NOT to use LOL My ma ain't too computer speak savvy and has been on Facebook for about a year yet still thinks lol means lots of love. I don't use FB myself but was around her place today and hopped on her puter to see how some of my auctions were going and her FB was still logged in so I had a quick gawk... Aunt: Hi (ma's name here), Pete passed away last night,we were all around him when he left so now we are making plans for his funeral. Are you and Dave coming up for it? Ma: Hi, sorry to hear of Pete's passing, lol, myself and Dave won't be there for his funeral but he will be in our thoughts at this sad time lol. We can make it for his unveiling next year if that happens. LOL. Aunt: Ok...good to hear from you,luv to all. Ma: LOL! __________________ RIP kiwi_2005 Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

06-23-12, 06:30 AM	#2029
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her, so she immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, ''Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweet sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Gold-circle Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-23-12, 07:21 AM	#2030
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was sitting in my car outside my ex-girlfriends house, when she approached me and said, "Everyday for the past week, I've noticed you sitting here, are you stalking me or something?" "Don't flatter yourself," I replied, "I've been using your internet connection." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-23-12, 02:23 PM	#2031
WernherVonTrapp Admiral Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Now, alot farther from NYC. Posts: 2,228 Downloads: 105 Uploads: 0	Why do blonde girls have bruises around their navals. Because blonde guys are stupid too. __________________ "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." -Miyamoto Musashi ------------------------------------------------------- "What is truth?" -Pontius Pilate

06-22-12, 11:32 AM	#2026
RundownJet Mate Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 53 Downloads: 80 Uploads: 0	Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, I find him very annoying. I think I might be lack-toes intolerant...Eh?

06-23-12, 03:08 PM	#2032
RundownJet Mate Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 53 Downloads: 80 Uploads: 0	I tried to get a job as a beer taster once, but in the end, I bottled it!

06-23-12, 03:09 PM	#2033
RundownJet Mate Join Date: Apr 2012 Posts: 53 Downloads: 80 Uploads: 0	Q: Why don't pigs use the telephone? A: Because there's crackling on the line!

06-23-12, 03:55 PM	#2034
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I am going to 'The Annual Sarcasm Convention' tomorrow. What an inventive name. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-25-12, 02:28 PM	#2035
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?" She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-25-12, 03:29 PM	#2037
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I reckon I might have a chance of winning the competition to find Britain's most independent man..... I just need somebody to get me the details of how to enter. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

06-26-12, 01:41 PM	#2038
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 roubles. Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away. The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage. They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward." The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?" The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?" The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-26-12, 01:45 PM	#2039
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

06-29-12, 10:58 AM	#2040
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,284 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down!" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)