The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Leeds United ex boss Simon Grayson has accepted a job with Sky,and is expected to at least double his wages. Simon said today he can't wait to get started and is looking forward to fitting his first dish!!!

[BossMark]

Q. What's the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

[BossMark]

Q: What do Toon fans and laxatives have in common?
A: Both irritate the absolute crap out of you.

[Jimbuna]

Q: What do you call a Leeds fan with many girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd

[BossMark]

A man was walking through Beverly Hills selling door to door what he claimed to be the "Magic Elixir of Life".

Of course the police arrested him and ran a computer check of him. They found the man had quite a long record of such dealings. He was first arrested for that type of crime in 1660.

[BossMark]

An old one but its still true



Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest git in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Peter Beardsley?"

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by BossMark

An old one but its still true



Quasimodo asks Esmeralda, "Am I really the ugliest git in the world?"
"Why don't you go upstairs to the Magic Mirror and ask ?" says Esmeralda.
Quasimodo goes upstairs to the mirror and returns a few minutes later.
As he hobbles in Esmeralda asks "Well, what did the mirror say ?"
To which Quasimodo replies, "Who's Peter Beardsley?"

Older than you I suspect:

Peter Beardsley is the latest footballer linked to a super injunction, apparently the bird he shagged doesn’t want to be named..!

[Jimbuna]

My wife called me a sexist pig, and accused me of being far too obsessed with football.

I said, "What makes you say that, babe?"

She said, "Well for one, there's this card you gave me for my birthday."

I said, "But to be fair, you've not kept up with the housework recently, so you were lucky it was only yellow."

[BossMark]

This blind man goes into a drug store and starts knocking stuff off the shelf with his cane.

The manager comes over and says, "Can I help you sir?"

"No, I'm just looking."

[Jimbuna]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[Platapus]

My girlfriend called me a pedophile.

I said "that's a pretty big word for a 12 year old to use"

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

A Scotsman throwing a pound away

[Jimbuna]

A woman has just done her shopping and is taking a shortcut home through the park. Suddenly a man jumps out of the bushes, opens his raincoat and exposes himself.
The woman takes a deep breath, looks down at her shopping bags, slaps her palm to her forehead and says:

"Bloody knew it! I forgot the shrimps!"

[BossMark]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you £10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labour.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the £10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.