The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Two Yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper.
The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.
"What did you do that for?" the driver asked.
"I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car."

The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver.
He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tapped on the window.
When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.
"What did you do that for?" asked the startled passenger.
"Well," responded the trooper, "I didn’t want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, 'I wish that redneck woulda tried that with me!'"

[Jimbuna]

A man was driving along the road when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.
Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the policeman started writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.
"I had to serve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.
"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?" retorted the man.
"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

[Jimbuna]

A blonde and her husband were driving home, when they hit a rabit.
They both got out of the car and stood over the poor creature.
The blonde and her husband just stood there, when she said "Oh I know."
She went to the car and rummaged through her purse and came out with what looked a bottle.
She poured it on the rabit and they both got in the car.
Suddenly the rabit got up hopped a little bit and waved, hopped a little and waved, hopped to the top of the hill and waved.
Then dissapered over it.
The husband just stared at his wife and said "Honey, what did you pour on that rabit?"
His wife just said "Hair Restorer with a permanent wave."

[magic452]

A Polish immigrant, after learning English, goes to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
When he gets to the vision test he is asked if he can read the line:
C Z W I X N O T A C Z. He says "Not only can I read it, I know the guy."

Magic

[Jimbuna]

A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time.
Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window, "Pull over!"
"No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

[Jimbuna]

Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.

[Jimbuna]

“A cement mixer has ­collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”

[Jimbuna]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

[Jimbuna]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!!
We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[Jimbuna]

Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

[Jimbuna]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o.
Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge.
Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge.
"156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.
"I drew two circles like this: o O.
Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your ******* before prison... '"

[Platapus]

I decide to sell my vacuum cleaner

It was just gathering dust.

[Jimbuna]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
"Your badge... Show him your badge!"

[Jimbuna]

Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Queenship, “ he asked her. “I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
“Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned. "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy” the Queen replied. “You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle”. She pushed a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here." The Prime Minister walked into the room.
“You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. “ the Queen said. “Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, “That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,” said the Queen.
Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him. Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.
“Mike, answer this for me,’ said the Don. “Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
"I'm not sure," said Pence. “Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her – much to her surprise.
“Hillary, I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.
“Sure, Mike “Hillary said. “I’m not one to hold a grudge. What is it?”
“Thanks, said Pence,” It’s this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Hillary answered right back, “That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, “Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s Hillary Clinton.”
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!"

[Jimbuna]

A young job applicant was being interviewed for an entry-level position.
His prospective boss asked, "Are you a smoker?"
"Not even a little," said the young man.
"How about alcoholic beverages?"
"Never touch 'em," he replied.
The boss smiled and asked, "So you spend a lot of time with girls?"
The applicant said, "No, not really."
"So you don't have any vices?"
"Well, I do have one," he admitted.
"And what would that be?" the boss asked.
"I tell lies."