The joke thread - Page 501

BossMark · 03-31-15, 01:57 AM

How embarrassing. Just as my bride-to-be began her walk down the aisle, my mobile rang.

It was the vicar demanding to know where the hell I was.

Jimbuna · 03-31-15, 06:21 AM

We asked 100 people if they could mime watching a game of tennis.

They all said no.

BossMark · 03-31-15, 10:32 AM

A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I could spare a tenner for a coffee in Costa.

"A tenner?" I said. "For a coffee? You've got no chance! Here's twenty."

GoldenRivet · 03-31-15, 11:19 AM

A man and his giraffe walk into the bar and proceed to get incredibly drunk, after several more shots the giraffe passes out onto the floor, the man looks down at the giraffe and decides enough is enough, pays his tab and stumbles past the giraffe and toward the door.

the bar tender says

"Hey pal! you can't leave that lyin' in here!"

the drunk says

"Its not a lion... its a giraffe!"

------------

A preacher walks into an Irish Pub and gathers everyones attention "any of ya who wants to go to heaven please stand up!" he shouts

nobody stands up

"Whats the matter with ya? dont any of ya want to go to heaven when ya die?!"

O'malley speaks up for the group

"oh... when we die... we thot ya meant right now"

-----------------

Two drunks get thrown out of a bar and are stumbling down the street. They come upon a stray dog, sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls.

The drunks stop and look and one says to the other

"Ya now... i wish i could do that"

the other drunk replies

"well... i suppose you should pet him first"

GoldenRivet · 03-31-15, 02:41 PM

Jim is at the supermarket and he is pushing his cart up and down the aisles looking for his wife from whom he has become separated while shopping. As he rounds a corner he collides with another man's shopping cart

"Sorry about that" says Jim "I've become separated from my wife and im going aisle to aisle trying to find her."

"Thats ok" says the man "I've lost my wife too and im trying to find her so we are in the same boat, its no problem"

"Hey, i've got an idea" says Jim "We could team up and try to find our wives, the search will be a lot more efficient that way, what does your wife look like?"

the man says "Well, she is 5'3" with long curly blonde hair, she has big blue eyes, she has perky DD breasts, and a firm little rear end, she's wearing a tube top and a mini-skirt... what about your wife?"

Jim says

"She'll turn up, lets look for yours"

Jimbuna · 03-31-15, 03:14 PM

^ LOL

Not long back from a Tescos Superstore shopping with the wife actually but she looked nowt like that

BossMark · 04-01-15, 01:40 AM

I went for a job interview yesterday.

The interviewer said, "According to your CV, you like to point out stupid mistakes of others."

"Yes, that's correct," I replied.

"Why would you write something like that on your CV?" He asked.

"I typed that," I answered.

Jimbuna · 04-01-15, 07:46 AM

In the eighteen years we have been married my wife has had a boob job, a nose job,dyed her hair and finally a facelift.

Yet whenever we argue, her favourite line is always, " You're not the man I married."

BossMark · 04-01-15, 09:43 AM

Daily Telegraph: "DIY chain B&Q to close 60 stores"

When asked to comment, a B&Q spokesman said "Er, I dunno mate...I just work here...I don't know how anything works. Sorry".

Jimbuna · 04-01-15, 10:40 AM

As an outpatient I've met this gorgeous fit young radiographer at the hospital. Now we've started dating.

Wonder what she sees in me?

BossMark · 04-02-15, 02:18 AM

A couple from S****horpe have won the euromillions twice and plan to move to London.

Good luck to them. They should have enough now for a deposit on a house.

BossMark · 04-02-15, 02:41 AM

"Pick up the iron and get to work," I said to the woman.

"Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'll be oppressed by men all the time," she ranted, "I've the ability and the education to work like you. And you sexist bastards think that we solely belong for these menial tasks?"

"Well then," I replied, "Here ends your career as a blacksmith."

Jimbuna · 04-02-15, 07:04 AM

It's now official, beer is cheaper than fuel.

So this summer: "Drink, Don't Drive"

BossMark · 04-02-15, 07:22 AM

Someone asked me if I had an iron today....

Silly them. I haven't even got a wife!

Jimbuna · 04-02-15, 07:35 AM

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang.
He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!"

"Honestly?"

The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

03-31-15, 01:57 AM	#7501
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	How embarrassing. Just as my bride-to-be began her walk down the aisle, my mobile rang. It was the vicar demanding to know where the hell I was. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-31-15, 06:21 AM	#7502
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,334 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	We asked 100 people if they could mime watching a game of tennis. They all said no. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

03-31-15, 10:32 AM	#7503
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A tramp stopped me in the street and asked if I could spare a tenner for a coffee in Costa. "A tenner?" I said. "For a coffee? You've got no chance! Here's twenty." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

03-31-15, 11:19 AM	#7504
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,712 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	A man and his giraffe walk into the bar and proceed to get incredibly drunk, after several more shots the giraffe passes out onto the floor, the man looks down at the giraffe and decides enough is enough, pays his tab and stumbles past the giraffe and toward the door. the bar tender says "Hey pal! you can't leave that lyin' in here!" the drunk says "Its not a lion... its a giraffe!" ------------ A preacher walks into an Irish Pub and gathers everyones attention "any of ya who wants to go to heaven please stand up!" he shouts nobody stands up "Whats the matter with ya? dont any of ya want to go to heaven when ya die?!" O'malley speaks up for the group "oh... when we die... we thot ya meant right now" ----------------- Two drunks get thrown out of a bar and are stumbling down the street. They come upon a stray dog, sitting on the sidewalk licking his balls. The drunks stop and look and one says to the other "Ya now... i wish i could do that" the other drunk replies "well... i suppose you should pet him first" __________________

03-31-15, 02:41 PM	#7505
GoldenRivet Subsim Aviator Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Texas Posts: 8,712 Downloads: 146 Uploads: 0	Jim is at the supermarket and he is pushing his cart up and down the aisles looking for his wife from whom he has become separated while shopping. As he rounds a corner he collides with another man's shopping cart "Sorry about that" says Jim "I've become separated from my wife and im going aisle to aisle trying to find her." "Thats ok" says the man "I've lost my wife too and im trying to find her so we are in the same boat, its no problem" "Hey, i've got an idea" says Jim "We could team up and try to find our wives, the search will be a lot more efficient that way, what does your wife look like?" the man says "Well, she is 5'3" with long curly blonde hair, she has big blue eyes, she has perky DD breasts, and a firm little rear end, she's wearing a tube top and a mini-skirt... what about your wife?" Jim says "She'll turn up, lets look for yours" __________________

03-31-15, 03:14 PM	#7506
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,334 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	^ LOL Not long back from a Tescos Superstore shopping with the wife actually but she looked nowt like that __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-01-15, 01:40 AM	#7507
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I went for a job interview yesterday. The interviewer said, "According to your CV, you like to point out stupid mistakes of others." "Yes, that's correct," I replied. "Why would you write something like that on your CV?" He asked. "I typed that," I answered. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-01-15, 07:46 AM	#7508
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,334 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	In the eighteen years we have been married my wife has had a boob job, a nose job,dyed her hair and finally a facelift. Yet whenever we argue, her favourite line is always, " You're not the man I married." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-01-15, 09:43 AM	#7509
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Daily Telegraph: "DIY chain B&Q to close 60 stores" When asked to comment, a B&Q spokesman said "Er, I dunno mate...I just work here...I don't know how anything works. Sorry". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-01-15, 10:40 AM	#7510
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,334 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	As an outpatient I've met this gorgeous fit young radiographer at the hospital. Now we've started dating. Wonder what she sees in me? __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-02-15, 02:18 AM	#7511
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A couple from S****horpe have won the euromillions twice and plan to move to London. Good luck to them. They should have enough now for a deposit on a house. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-02-15, 02:41 AM	#7512
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	"Pick up the iron and get to work," I said to the woman. "Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean that I'll be oppressed by men all the time," she ranted, "I've the ability and the education to work like you. And you sexist bastards think that we solely belong for these menial tasks?" "Well then," I replied, "Here ends your career as a blacksmith." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-02-15, 07:04 AM	#7513
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,334 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	It's now official, beer is cheaper than fuel. So this summer: "Drink, Don't Drive" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

04-02-15, 07:22 AM	#7514
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Someone asked me if I had an iron today.... Silly them. I haven't even got a wife! __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

04-02-15, 07:35 AM	#7515
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,334 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw, heck, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)