The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

[Catfish]

Being a man, i always use two women parking places.
Makes it much more believable.

[Jimbuna]

[Jimbuna]

A solar-powered computer wristwatch, which is programmed to tell the time and date for 125 years, has a guarantee—for two years.

[Jimbuna]

My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it is prominently displayed in a decorative ceramic utensil caddy in my kitchen.

The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at a rummage sale.

It’s a pooper-scooper.

[Jimbuna]

A left wing politician, a TV reporter and an SAS Trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician ask to hear a rendering of Keep The Red Flag Flying, The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead his face would be on TV, The Trooper asked to be kicked three times up the backside. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the Trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead, grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, Because, said the Trooper, when we get back to the UK I don’t want you pair of buggas saying it was an unprovoked attack!!

[Catfish]

^

[Platapus]

Seiko is designing a solar powered pocket watch.

It's not a joke, just odd.

[Jimbuna]

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

[Jimbuna]

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

[Platapus]

A guy and his blond date are at a bar, watching the 11 o'clock news on the TV. The news is covering someone who went out on a 20th floor building ledge and is threatening to jump.

"I'll bet you $20 that he jumps," says the guy.

"And I'll bet you $20 that he doesn't," says the blond.

A few minutes later, the fellow jumps. The blond takes out $20 and hands it to her date.

"I can't take your money," he replies. "This actually happened earlier and I saw it on the 5 o'clock news."

"I saw it too," replies the blond, "but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[Jimbuna]

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

[Platapus]

I think these loaves that you cut yourself, to any thickness you like, are the best thing since sliced bread.

[Jimbuna]

If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”

[Platapus]

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.