The joke thread II

[Catfish]

A UN conference. An african diplomat sits vis-à-vis a UK diplomat, during dinner. The Englishman, trying to start some conversation, looks friendly at his counterpart, rubs his belly and asks "Nice yamyam?." The African nods friendly and they continue dining.
After some time the African is being called, stands up, goes up to the speaker's desk and delivers an eloquent and elegant speech in english, completely flawless and witty.
Coming back and sitting down he looks at the Englishmann and asks "Nice blahblah?"

[Jimbuna]

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

[mikesn9]

Many of us over 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashion.
In spite of what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots.
12. Short shorts and varicose veins.
13. Inline skates and a walker.

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks:
14. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[magic452]

The Maid for a rich guy and his young wife asks the wife for a raise. "Why do you need a raise?'

"Three reasons, your husband says I'm a better cook than you and also I'm a better housekeeper." "Also I'm better in bed."

"MY HUSBAND SAID THAT!!"

"No the gardener said it"

"How much do you think you need?"



Magic

[Jimbuna]

Just broken up with my girlfriend after she told me she used to be Christian.

It might seem judgmental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend left me because I’m too insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to make a cup of coffee.

[Platapus]

And my daughter....

In High school, she was voted most likely to conceive.

Her picture in the yearbook was horizontal.

[Jimbuna]

I can’t believe how ungrateful my 4 year old son is. I took him out for a ride on his sledge this morning but after 10 minutes I looked back and saw he was missing. It was lucky I had to stop for petrol otherwise I may not have noticed and it would have taken ages to drive back and find him.

[Platapus]

I went to my doctor.

After the results came back, he asked me what my astrological sign was

I told him "Cancer"

"What a coincidence".

[Jimbuna]

Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: I guess I’ll have champagne.
Husband: Guess again.. Maybe you should go for a diet coke?

[Platapus]

And my Old man?

When I was 5 years old, he taught me how to swim by throwing me in the water. That was not too bad, but getting out of the bag was hard.

[Jimbuna]

Q. What does an Ikea cabinet and a marriage have in common?
A. One screw out of place and the whole thing falls apart.

[Platapus]

Once while I was a kid, I got lost when my family took me to a national park.

When I asked the park ranger if I would ever find my parents, he told me

"I don't know, kid, there are so many places they can hide from you".

[Jimbuna]

My wife recently told me that sex is a lot better on holiday… I was really upset when I got the postcard.

[Jimbuna]

I heard women find men in long-term relationships more attractive than men who are single so I’ve decided to move into a 1 bedroom apartment with my mum.