The joke thread

[BossMark]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
'Come have a look over here,' says Paddy, 'It's Michael O' Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.'
'That's nothing, 'says Sean, 'here's one named Patrick O' Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.'
Just then, Seamus yells out, 'Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!'
'What was his name?' asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: 'Miles, from Dublin.'

[Jimbuna]

Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.

But get him an incapacity benefit form and he can have takeaways every night for life.

[BossMark]

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager. When the results were in, amazingly, both men had only one wrong answer.
The manager went to Murphy and said, 'Thank you for coming to the interview, but We've decided to give the American the job.'
Murphy, 'And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job.'
Manager, 'We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.'
Murphy, 'And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?'
Manager, 'Simple. On question number 7 the American wrote down, 'I don't know.'
You put down, 'Neither do I.'

[Jimbuna]

When saying to a new-born babies mum, ''Aww, he has your brothers eyes.'' Has a literal meaning in Norwich.

[BossMark]

Whitney Houston to star in her new film.
The Body Bag.

[Jimbuna]

I got my wife one of those books I know she'll read over and over again.

'Coping with Memory Loss'.

[BossMark]

News of Whitney Houston's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though. Her life just went to pot. Someone should have kept tabs on her.

[Herr-Berbunch]

^ Well if that's the route we're taking...



What's pink and sits on a doorstep?

Whitney Houston's Valentine's card.

[BossMark]

Whitney Houston died just hours after being asked to be a judge on the next season of X-Factor.

Personally I think she made the right decision.

[Jimbuna]

I came home to find my wife had put her hair into a ponytail.
"That suits you love", I said.
"Thanks," she replied, "Glad you llike it."
I didn't think it was prudent to add that it just confirmed my belief that she looked like a horses ar$e.

[BossMark]

Two old men were fishing off a bridge as they had done daily for many years. Suddenly a funeral procession came down the road.

The one old man reeled in his line, lain down his pole, faced the street and bowed his head until the procession had passed. He then picked up his pole and started fishing again.

The other fisherman was amazed and stated "I didn't know you were that religious."

The other looked at him and said "Least I could do, we've been married 42 years!"

[Jimbuna]

My wife just called me.

She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day, they are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

[BossMark]

2 Blondes having lunch on a park bench one sunny day when 1 blonde goes to the other 1 "lets play a game....if you can guess how many sandwiches I have in my lunch box I will give you the both of them"

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend was given two tickets for the stage production of The King and I. I've neer been to the theatre before and I'm realy looking forward to it. I wonder who will play the part of Elvis.

[Platapus]

A Liberal, a Moderate, and a Conservative walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up an says "oh hi, Mitt, whatca gonna have?"