The joke thread

[Onkel Neal]

.......

[Hothead]

How many software engineers do you need to change a lightbulb?
None, its a hardware problem..

[Jimbuna]

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

[Jimbuna]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"£10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. "
Later the next morning, the son found £110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £10, not £110.
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

[Jimbuna]

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.
The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.
The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[Jimbuna]

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

[Jimbuna]

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, "Who are you?"
The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."
Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?"
The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I want to be the best golfer ever."
The surprised genie said, "You sure? Most people wish for money, but okay. Now your wife gets one wish."
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, "I want a million dollars every week of my life."
The genie said, "Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I've been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan."
Dylan said, "No way!"
The genie replied, "Not even for a million dollars a week?"
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, "I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves."
Dylan said, "Okay, have fun, I guess," and left.
Dylan's wife then proceeded to have wild sex for the rest of the day with the genie. When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, "Forty-five."
The Genie laughed and said, "Isn't he a little old to be believing in genies?"

[Mr Quatro]

The daughter asks her father, "Dad, there's something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad replied, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil
with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

[Jimbuna]

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?"
The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

[GoldenRivet]

A man is called to a scheduled meeting to discuss his audit with the IRS agents.

He calls his accountant for advice "What should i wear?"

the accountant says "Dress is your yard work clothes, do your best to appear to have no financial wealth!"

he thinks thats probably good advice, but also asks his attorney to which the attorney replies "Do not let those crooks intimidate you, put on your finest suit and tie."

he is now worried about the conflicting advice, so he goes to see his priest.

the priest thinks for a minute and says "let me tell you a story; a young bride was worried about the night of her honeymoon and asked her mother for advice on what to wear... the mother advised her to wear wool, head to toe, covering every part of her body in modesty. The bride also asked her best friend and received conflicting advice telling her to dress in nearly nothing, wear your sexiest outfit to bed."

the man asks the priest "ok... but what does her situation have to do with my meeting with the IRS?"

the priest says "just like the bride in the story, it doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get screwed."

[Jimbuna]

^ so true

[Jimbuna]

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father.
The wife says, "Oh, that's actually better."
The husband says he can't feel anything.
Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn't hurt nearly as much.
The husband says he sill can't feel anything.
The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%.
The husband still can't feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her.
The baby is born.
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

[Jimbuna]

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died.
"I froze to death. How about you?"
"I had a heart attack."
"How did that happen?"
"Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack."
"That's ironic."
"Why?" "If you would've looked in the fridge, we'd both be alive."

[Jimbuna]

You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love," and you answer, "I can't do both."

[Jimbuna]

A super hot chick walks into her church and says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
The priest says, "Tell me dear, what's on your mind?"
"Well Father, I am a sex addict, and lately I discovered that I like doing it with priests. I had sex with the one from the church two blocks from here, the one five blocks from here, and also the one from the church nearby."
The priest says, "It's okay, just pray three times a day for one week and it will all be okay."
As the girl tries to go out, the priest says, "Oh, and dont forget that I will always be here for you!"