The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Jimbuna]

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!"
The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.
The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it.
The IRS agent is dumbfounded.
The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye.
The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees.
The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop."
The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.
The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.
"Are you all right?" asks the agent.
"No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[Jimbuna]

So two Irishmen are traveling to Australia. Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."
At the Sydney airport, the Irishmen catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads."
"Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the men.
"And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other.

[Jimbuna]

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only £500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

[Jimbuna]

Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands on, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, "Where is God?"
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, "Where is God?"
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet. Eventually his brother found him and asked, "What's wrong?"
The crying boy replied, "We're in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!"

[Jimbuna]

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[Jimbuna]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

[Jimbuna]

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”
“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”
A nurse then tells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”
“That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”
A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets."
“That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”
The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. “What's wrong?” the others ask.
“I work for 7 Up!”

[Jimbuna]

At the doctor's office, Tom was getting a check up. "I have good news and bad news," says the doctor. "The good news is you have 24 hours left to live."
Tom replies, "That's the good news?!"
Then the doctor says, "The bad news is I should have told you that yesterday."

[Jimbuna]

A little girl and her older brother were visiting their grandfather's farm. The older brother decided to play a trick on his younger sister. He told her that he discovered a man-eating chicken. The girl was frightened, and ran inside in fear. Then the older brother heard his little sister scream. He ran inside immediately. She was screaming at their grandfather, who was chowing down on a plate of fried chicken.
"What is it?" he asked.
The sister turned to him in fear and said," It- it's- IT'S A MAN EATING CHICKEN!!!"

[Jimbuna]

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?"
The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

[Jimbuna]

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!"
The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt."
The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.
The soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"
The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope."
Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!"
The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

[Jimbuna]

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation. They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down. When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

[Jimbuna]

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?"
Larry nodded yes just as he passed away.
That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom.
"I have good news and bad news from heaven."
"What's the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

[Jimbuna]

Paddy and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?"
Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"