The joke thread II

[Platapus]

A doctor was examining this young lady when he noticed what appeared to be an abrasion rash, on her chest, in the shape of the letter "H". When he asked the lady about it, she blushed and said


"Oh, well you see, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater while we are being intimate. Kinda embarrassing"


The doctor reassured the lady that while this was unusual, there was noting to worry about


Later, the doctor was examining another young lady and he noticed the same type of rash but this time it was in the form of the letter "Y".


When he asked his patient about it, she also blushed and said


"Oh, this is awkward, so you see my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we 'do it'.



The doctor reassured the patient that this was nothing to be concerned about.




His last patient of the day, was this young lady, who also had the same type of rash but this was in the shape of a "M".


Trying to be a wit, the doctor told the patient, I bet you have a boyfriend who attends Michigan State.


The patient looked confused but replied "No doctor, but my girlfriend attends Wharton. Why do you ask?

[Jimbuna]

The military has a long, proud tradition of pranking recruits. Here are some favorites from rallypoint.com:

• Instructed a private in the mess hall to look for left-handed spatulas

• Sent a recruit to medical-supplies office in search of fallopian tubes

• Had a new guy conduct a “boom test” on a howitzer by yelling “Boom!” down the tube in order to “calibrate” it

• Ordered a private to bring back a five-gallon can of dehydrated water (in fact, the sergeant just wanted an empty water can)

[Jimbuna]

A defendant isn’t happy with how things are going in court, so he gives the judge a hard time.

Judge: “Where do you work?”

Defendant: “Here and there.”

Judge: “What do you do for a living?”

Defendant: “This and that.”

Judge: “Take him away.”

Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”

Judge: “Sooner or later.”

[Jimbuna]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

[Jimbuna]

I’m driving with this guy, and he runs right through a Stop sign. So I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

[Jimbuna]

A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?”

“Yes,” the grandpa replied.
“Did he make you, too?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” the girl said, looking 
at his wrinkles and thinning hair, “he sure is doing a better job nowadays!”

[Jimbuna]

Girl on skates. The ice was thin. Then it broke and she fell right in. Boy on bank heard her shout. Jumped right in and helped her out. Now they’re married. Very nice. But first she had to break the ice.

[Jimbuna]

“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

[Jimbuna]

A couple was expecting a baby. On the way to the hospital, the parents-to-be realized they were not going to make it in time, so the man called 911 for an ambulance to meet them. The operator asked if this was the woman’s first child, and the man said, “No, this is her husband.”

[Jimbuna]

Years ago, my dad started first grade in a one-room country school. When he returned home after that first day of class, his mother asked him if he liked it.

Dad answered, “I don’t see any reason to go back to that school, because the teacher had to ask me how to spell cat.”

[Jimbuna]

Analyst: I can give you the numbers, but you can’t go public with it.

Marketing Manager: I’m not going to go public with it. I’ll just present it at a meeting.

Analyst: Who’s going to be at the meeting?

Marketing Manager: It’s a stakeholder meeting. So whoever wants to come. You know, it’s open to the public.

[Catfish]

I have to say, i'm all for brexit, and, especially, Ukip. Or the brexit party. Because they are serious about Otto von Bismarck's 19. century policy of isolating Britain.

[Jimbuna]

Martin Clunes: “Pollsters have detected the nation’s almost catatonic with boredom, so they’ve been trying to liven things up, anyone know how they’ve been doing that?”
Ian Hislop: “Well, they’ve been trying to get younger people in by calling the referendum ‘Votey McVoteface’.”

[Catfish]

I don't understand Britains problem with immigrants.
But i understand the immigrants even less.
Usually you try to move to where things are better?

[Jimbuna]

^Kai, are you posting that under the context of it being a joke?