The joke thread

[BossMark]

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?" The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it last year."

[Matador.es]

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyLon don"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least "8 characters long and include at least one capital"

[Matador.es]

This joke was told to me by a man, who had been imprisoned in Russia after the October ’56 revolution in Hungary. I visited him with my father, who worked with this man during the Cold War. It’s a bit long, but worth the reading;

At the interpols headquarters in Lyon a competition of world’s best detective was held. In the final were 3 agencies competing for the title; a Scotland Yard (SY) detective from GB, an FBI agent from the USA and a KGB officer from the USSR. All candidates were told that in the room next doors would be 1 table with one object on it. The objective was to investigate the object and report the results as soon as possible. First to go was the Scotland Yard detective. The man entered the room and found a scull on top of the table. A short glance on the scull revealed the man that this was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. Immediately the SY detective left the room and reported the jury. On the jury’s inquiry how he knew all this the man replayed it was just a matter of experience he had gained with SY.

Second was the FBI. As soon as he entered the room he opened his laptop and attached plugs to the scull. About 5 minutes later he reported to the jury it was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. The jury wanted to know how he got this conclusion on which the FBI agent explained the jury he had written the Egyptian hieroglyphics on the inside of the man’s scull. Impressed by the method of investigating the jury concluded the FBI was now in second place and asked the KGB Officer to enter the room to do his investigation.

After 5 minutes there was return of the KGB officer what delighted the FBI. After half an hour there was still no other sign of the officer except of heavy sounds coming from the room. After an hour comes out the KGB officer, sweating, breathing, and whispering with the last breath he has; I know wat it is, I know what it is, it is an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. “And how did you came to this conclusion?” the jury asked. “I made him confess” the KGB officer replied.

[Jimbuna]

I was liv when someone nicked my id.

[TLAM Strike]

Originally Posted by Matador.es

This joke was told to me by a man, who had been imprisoned in Russia after the October ’56 revolution in Hungary. I visited him with my father, who worked with this man during the Cold War. It’s a bit long, but worth the reading;

At the interpols headquarters in Lyon a competition of world’s best detective was held. In the final were 3 agencies competing for the title; a Scotland Yard (SY) detective from GB, an FBI agent from the USA and a KGB officer from the USSR. All candidates were told that in the room next doors would be 1 table with one object on it. The objective was to investigate the object and report the results as soon as possible. First to go was the Scotland Yard detective. The man entered the room and found a scull on top of the table. A short glance on the scull revealed the man that this was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. Immediately the SY detective left the room and reported the jury. On the jury’s inquiry how he knew all this the man replayed it was just a matter of experience he had gained with SY.

Second was the FBI. As soon as he entered the room he opened his laptop and attached plugs to the scull. About 5 minutes later he reported to the jury it was a scull of an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. The jury wanted to know how he got this conclusion on which the FBI agent explained the jury he had written the Egyptian hieroglyphics on the inside of the man’s scull. Impressed by the method of investigating the jury concluded the FBI was now in second place and asked the KGB Officer to enter the room to do his investigation.

After 5 minutes there was return of the KGB officer what delighted the FBI. After half an hour there was still no other sign of the officer except of heavy sounds coming from the room. After an hour comes out the KGB officer, sweating, breathing, and whispering with the last breath he has; I know wat it is, I know what it is, it is an Egyptian pyramid builder who died 30 years before Christ. “And how did you came to this conclusion?” the jury asked. “I made him confess” the KGB officer replied.

Reminds me of this one:
The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.

The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!"

[Jimbuna]

The optician in Specsavers led me to the examination room. When we got inside she, turned off the light and sat directly across from me. She then smiled at me, asked me to put my chin on some sort of head rest and mentioned something about a 'blowing sensation'

And that, your honour, is why I thought she wanted me to remove my trousers

[BossMark]

A blonde from San Francisco who loves Chinese food decided to take a trip to
Asia. Her friends suggested she go to Hong Kong to sample the famous Dim Sum restaurants.

Two weeks later she returns, extremely disappointed.

"Well?", asked her friend. "How was the food?"

"Hong Kong is an exciting place", said the blonde, "But I couldn't find Chinatown!"

[Herr-Berbunch]

The woman who botoxed her 8year old for beauty pageants lost custody. The child didn't look surprised.

[Jimbuna]

So a Scottish couple have won £161 million on the Euromillions...

Unlucky Greece, better luck next month

[BossMark]

Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp floating in the water. One of the men picked it up and rubbed it, causing a genie to explode from the lamp. Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and could only grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and then wished for the entire lake to be made of the best beer in the world. With a poof the wish was granted, leaving the other of the two to yell angrily, "Dammit! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[Jimbuna]

Who's the biggest terrorist left on this planet? I've been breeding some really angry rabbits.

Tell me who the biggest terrorist is and I'll soon have him in my cross hares.

[BossMark]

An Irishman wearing nothing but Wellington's goes up to the top of a block of flats and jumps off. The Police and some eyewitnesses are standing round the body talking when a Policeman says, "It looked as though he committed suicide then. He went up to the top and just jumped."
Then one of the dead mans friends came up to the little group and said, "He did not commit suicide. He thought he could fly."
"But he had no wings," said the Policeman, "He was just wearing Wellington's."
"I know," replied the dead mans friend, "Someone told him earlier this morning that his grandfather flew in Wellington's during the Second World War."

[Sailor Steve]

Three sailors walking along a beach when they find a lamp. One of them rubs it and a genie appears. He tells them that he can grant three wishes, which means they get one wish apiece, starting with the youngest.

"I want to live in Tahiti, with my own yacht and naked island girls following me everywhere!" says the young swab.

"Granted!" says the genie, and the young sailor disappears. "Next?"

The second sailor quickly says "I want a mansion in Hollywood, with a pool, a dozen different fine cars, dozens of beautiful women who all love me! Oh, and ten million dollars in the bank!"

"Granted!" says the genie, and that sailor disappears as well. He turns to the last man and asks "And your wish?"

The grizzled old chief says "I want both of those bums back on board first thing tomorrow morning!"

[BossMark]

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.....

[Jimbuna]

I took my driving test yesterday and only got two minors!



Unfortunately I only noticed them as they hit the windscreen.