The joke thread

[BossMark]

Paddy rings an ambulance for his mate Mick. "Come quick my mate Mick is hurt and needs help fast". The operator tells Paddy to calm down and asks where he is at. "104 Eucalyptus Boulevard" says Paddy. "Can you spell that please" says the operator. The line goes quiet and the operator says "Hello sir are you still there". Couple of minutes pass and still nothing until after about 5 minutes Paddy comes back on the line. "Right I have just dragged him to 2 Oak Road".

[Jimbuna]

What do you call a Scouser with a job?

A Benefit Cheat.

[BossMark]

Paddy says to Mick one day. Hey Mick do me a favour mate. The next time your making love to your wife close the bloody blinds mate" Mick replies "Whats wrong like mate what makes you say that." Paddy replies, "Well Mick yesterday as I was walking past I noticed the whole street was standing outside laughing up at your window watching the whole show and laughing at you and your wife". Mick says, "Well Paddy just between you and me mate the joke is on them as I wasn't even home yesterday".

[Jimbuna]

My boss just asked, "do you think you can come in on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here."

"Yeah no problem, I'll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends."

"Ok, when do you think you'll get here then?"

"Monday."

[BossMark]

The boss was giving a pep talk to the latest recruit to the office staff. 'I run a tight ship here,' he said. 'I want men who are efficient, conscientious and hard-working.'
'Well, sir,' said the new recruit, 'I think you'll find I always give of my very best at all times.'
'That's what everyone says when they start,' said the boss. 'But how long will you continue to do your best?'
'I suppose,' said the new man, 'until I've got your job.'

[Herr-Berbunch]

Who wrote the song 'Ain't No Sunshine'?

Oh, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know . . .

[Jimbuna]

I was going into the gents in the Liverpool One shopping centre as this Scouser came out.

"I wouldn't go in there if I were you, lad" he said.

"Stinks does it?" I said.

"No I've just nicked all the taps."

[BossMark]

A maths teacher and his wife were both 54 years old. One evening the wife came home and found a note from her husband. It said: ''My dear, you are 54 years old and there are some things you are not giving me, so I am at the Holiday Inn with my 18-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me.''

He returns home that night to find a note from his wife: ''You are also 54 years old and there are things I need that you're not giving me. So I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 18-year-old students and you (being a maths teacher) should know that 18 goes into 54 way more than 54 goes into 18, so don't YOU wait up for ME.''

[Jimbuna]

I took Sainsbury's up on their Live Well For Less campaign.

I now walk the extra mile to Tesco.

[BossMark]

Paddy and Mick were working on a building site. Paddy says to Mick "I can't be bothered working all day I wanna go home" so he climbs to the top of the building site and hangs upside down on a steel girder. So then the boss comes out and says "what the hell do you think your doing?" Paddy says "pretending to be a light bulb". The boss says "go home, your being stupid" so he climbs down and starts walking out. Mick watches and says "im going home too", but just as he was putting on his coat, the boss says "and were do you think your going?" Mick says "home, I'm not working in the dark"

[Jimbuna]

My wife was surprised when for once I was willing to stop the car and ask for directions from passers by.

It will provide a plausible explanation when she receives the police letter about my kerb crawling later this month.

[BossMark]

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

[Jimbuna]

I went to my local market today and saw a sign that said: "ONE WATERMELON FOR £3 OR THREE FOR £10"

Instead of telling the guy behind the stall how stupid he was I decided to show him.

So I walked up to him and asked: "Can I but a watermelon please?"

"Yes sir, that'll be three pounds."

I handed over the money and asked: "Actually, can I have another one please?"

"No problem sir, that's three pounds."

"Can I have one more?"

"Certainly sir, three pounds."

Smirking I said: "I've just bought three watermelons for nine pounds but on your sign it says ten. Don't you realise how stupid you are?"

"That happens a lot," he chuckled, "until I point out that they just bought three watermelons intead of one."

[BossMark]

It was Paddy and Seamus giving the motorcycle a ride on a brisk autumn day. After a wee bit, Paddy who was sitt'n behind Seamus on the bike began to holler ..."Seamus ... Seamus ... the wind is cutt'n me chest out!"

"Well, Paddy my lad," said Seamus, "why don't you take your jacket off and turn it from front to back ... that'll block the wind for you."

So Paddy took Seamus' advice and turned his jacket from front to back and got back on the bike and the two of them were off down the road again. After a bit, Seamus turned to talk to Paddy and was horrified to see that Paddy was not there. Seamus immediately turned the bike around and retraced their route. When after a short time he came to a turn and saw a bunch of farmers standing around Paddy who was sitting on the ground.

"T'anks be to heaven, is he alright?" Seamus hailed to the farmers.
"Well," said one of the farmers, " he was alright when we found him here .. but since we turned his head back to front .. he hasn't said a word since!"

[Jimbuna]

Good news for QPR..

Leading scorer Helguson is nearing fitness and could be available for a place in next week's finishing ten.