The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the housekeeper on problems in the rectory that required immediate attention. "Your roof needs repair, Father," she said. "Your water pressure is bad and your furnace is not working."

"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed, "you’ve been the housekeeper here five years, and I’ve only been here a few days. Why not say our roof and our furnace?"

Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the bishop and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the office, terribly upset. "Father, Father," she blurted, "there’s a mouse in our room and it’s under our bed!"

[Jimbuna]

The preacher, arriving in a small town to be guest speaker at a local church, wanted to mail a letter to his family back home. He stopped a young boy on a bike and asked him where the post office was. The boy gave him directions, and the preacher thanked him.

"If you come to church this evening," the preacher said, "I’ll tell you how to get to heaven."

"I don’t think I’ll be there," the boy said. "You don’t even know your way to the post office."

[Jimbuna]

A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address.

Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed, and passed out cold.

The woman’s daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen. "My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

[Catfish]

In Russia, one policeman asks another
“So, what do you think of Putin?”
His colleague looks around before replying,
“The same as you, comrade,”
whereupon Policeman No. 1 declares,
“In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.”

[Jimbuna]

The teacher in our Bible class asked a woman to read from the Book of Numbers about the Israelites wandering in the desert. "The Lord heard you when you wailed, ‘If only we had meat to eat!’ " she began. "Now the Lord will give you meat. You will not eat it for just one day, or two days, or five, or ten or twenty days, but for a month—until you loathe it."

When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn’t that the Atkins diet?"

[Jimbuna]

Sharma, my cousin, was telling me about an evening service at the church we’ve both attended for years. She and her husband usually sat in the back, but this time they moved up front to be sure to hear the Scripture reading. They sat beside a longtime church member who cheerfully said, "Good to have ya with us! Where y’all from?"

Taken by surprise, Sharma mumbled, "The back."

[Jimbuna]

A group of guys I know took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel, and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn’t be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

[Jimbuna]

During our church service one Sunday, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. Finishing her remarks, she told the congregation, "I apologize for crying so much. I’m usually not such a big boob."

The bishop rose to close the session and remarked, "That’s okay. We like big boobs."

[Jimbuna]

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

[Jimbuna]

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”

The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

[Jimbuna]

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got burgled tonight.”

[Jimbuna]

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as an inspiration when naming our kids. His sister Chewbacca und his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

[Jimbuna]

An old lady comes to her doctor and says, “Doctor, you know how you told me I should avoid going up and down stairs as much as possible?”

“Yes,” nods the doctor, “we agreed on that after the latest X-rays.”

“Well I don’t know if it was such a great recommendation. All the climbing up and down the rain gutter is really exhausting!”

[Jimbuna]

“Have you been sleeping by an open window, like I told you?” asks a doctor his patient.

“Yes, just like you said, doc.”

“And is the bronchitis gone now?”

“Not yet, so far the only things gone are my laptop and cellphone.”

[Jimbuna]

Two elderly ladies, Mabel and Evie, meet at a café for a nice cup of coffee and a cake.

After a while, Mabel peers closely at Evie and says, “Evie, it looks like you have a suppository in your ear!”

“What?”

“It looks like you have a suppository in your ear, Evie!” says Mabel a bit louder.

“Oh,” checks Evie, “you’re right! Drat, well, at least I know where my hearing aid is now.”