The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Workers at the Carlsberg brewery in Denmark walked off the job after losing a prized perk: unlimited beer at work. They now have to settle for three beers at lunch. A worker told the Wall Street Journal that wasn’t enough: "I need a beer when I take a cigarette break."

[Jimbuna]

The toughest part of applying for a new job is having to explain why you’re no longer at your previous one. Here are rationalizations from cover letters that did no one any good:

"My boss thought I could do better elsewhere."

"The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."

"Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job hopping.’ I have never quit a job."

"Responsibilities make me nervous."

[Catfish]

They say this house is haunted.
But i saw nothing unusual in 237 years.

[Jimbuna]

While I was assigned to the space shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies. One of the engineers requested a new dictionary. Following regulations, I asked him why he needed it.

I expected his answer to be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he said, "My current edition defines spaceship as an ‘imaginary aircraft.’"

He got his new dictionary.

[Jimbuna]

When my boss returned to the office, he was told that everyone had been looking for him. That set him off on a speech about how indispensable he was to the company.

"Actually," interrupted his assistant, "you left with the key to the stationery closet."

[Jimbuna]

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

[Jimbuna]

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.”

“Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested.

The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!”

“What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend.

“I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

[Jimbuna]

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

[Jimbuna]

While my parents were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.

Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”

[Jimbuna]

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk’s office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I’m getting younger?"

[Jimbuna]

We’d finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I’m afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don’t worry," she said. "They’ll only look once."

[Jimbuna]

The day after visiting a fair, my wife was in agony. "You know you’re past your prime," she said, "when you hurt all over and all you rode was the massage chair."

[Jimbuna]

In January, my wife, a physician, met with an elderly patient. "So was Santa good to you?" she asked.

"Real good," he said. "I got an SUV."

"Nice."

"Yeah … Socks, Underwear, and Viagra."

[Jimbuna]

An elderly man visits the doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?"

"Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me."

Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

"I don’t think that’s anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge."

[Jimbuna]

Recently I sat in a restaurant watching two older men go at it. It quickly grew heated as one of them declared, "I’m so mad, I’m taking you off my pallbearer list!"