The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund.

Client: You did my tattoo backward!

Tattoo artist: It’s backward?

Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!

[Jimbuna]

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are comments purportedly made by patients to physicians during their procedures.

“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”

“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”

[Jimbuna]

As I entered the elevator at our hospital, a disheveled-looking man rushed in behind me carrying a ceramic blue baby bootie filled with carnations.

I smiled knowingly and asked, “Does he look like you?”

“I hope not,” he said. “I just deliver flowers.”

[BossMark]

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced withprofanity.
I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistentlysaying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I couldthink of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird andput him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arms and said
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language andactions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions andI fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude andunforgivable behavior."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramaticchange in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

[Jimbuna]

Recently I heard the former mayor of London, recount some funny stories about his time in office. One happened while he was running for reelection; he was in a bar and paid for a woman’s drink. She thanked him but wondered why a stranger had bought her a beer.

“I’m running for mayor,” he told her, “and I want your vote.”

“You got it,” she said, grabbing her glass. “Anyone’s better than the jerk who’s in there now.”

[Jimbuna]

I was alone in an elevator when a girl stepped in with a phone pressed to her ear. “I have to go,” she told the person on the other end. “There’s a cute guy standing here.” Before I could react, she turned to me and said, “Sorry for lying. I just wanted to end that conversation.”

[Jimbuna]

Recently, a man stopped at my desk at the library asking for help: A woman had breast-fed her infant and forgotten to “tuck herself back in.” I walked over to Lady Godiva and said, “Ma’am, I’m very sorry, but we don’t allow open drink containers in the library.”

[Jimbuna]

While at a convention, Bill, Jim, and Scott shared a hotel suite 
on the 75th floor. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to find that the hotel elevators were broken and that they’d have to climb all the way up to their room.
“I have a way to break the monotony,” said Bill. “I’ll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way.”
As they started walking up, Bill told his first joke. At the 26th floor, Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, it was Scott’s turn.
“I will tell my saddest story first,” he said. “Once there was a man who left the room key in the car.”

[Jimbuna]

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.

As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

[Jimbuna]

Mike went into work an hour late, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

“What happened to you?” his boss asked.

“I fell down two flights of stairs.” Mike said.

His boss was aghast. “That took you a whole hour?”

[Jimbuna]

When I interviewed for a job six months after my 70th birthday, I was asked my age. With nothing to hide, I replied, “I’m halfway to my 71st birthday.”

The interviewer looked skeptical. “No offense,” he said, “but you look older than 35.”

[Jimbuna]

A job applicant was asked, "What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?"

"Well," he began, "my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not."

"Okay," said the interviewer. "And what are your strengths?"

"I’m Batman."

[BossMark]

When you’re dressed all in black and some smart ass asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet.”

[Jimbuna]

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"

"Well," she answers, "I’ve been divorced three times."

[Jimbuna]

"Why did you leave your last job?"

"It was something my boss said."

"What did he say?"

"’You’re fired!’"