The joke thread II

[BossMark]

Father O'Connor walks into a pub and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want go to heaven?'
The man replies, 'Yes, Father.'
Father O'Connor then says, 'Leave this bar right now, and go outside'.
O'Connor proceeds to another man, and asks him the same thing. The chap also answers, 'Yes'.
Father O'Connor asks him too to go out.
The Reverend Father goes the third man and asks, 'Would you like to go to heaven? '
This time the reply is, 'No thank-you Father.'
Surprised, Father O'Connor asks, 'Why not?'
The man opines, 'I mean I do, but only after I die.'
The Father O'Connor explains, 'That's what I am talking about.'
The man says, 'Oh, I thought you are getting a group ready right now.'

[Jimbuna]

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband demurred, saying two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he’d put an end to things, saying boldly, "After our second child, I’ll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment’s hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you’ll love the third one like it’s your own!"

[BossMark]

Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons. Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.' Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.' 'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.' 'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

[Jimbuna]

I was bending over to wipe up a spill on the kitchen floor when my wife walked into the room behind me. "See anything you like?" I asked suggestively.

"Yeah," she said. "You doing housework."

[Jimbuna]

One day my housework-challenged wife decided to wash her sweatshirt. Seconds after she stepped into the laundry room, she shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

"Givenchy," she yelled back.

[Jimbuna]

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

[Jimbuna]

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband’s deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die… "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

[Jimbuna]

My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often turns to me for advice. Recently I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That’s up to you," I replied. "There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband saying, "Yeah, hi, honey. Uh…what should I feed Lily for lunch?"

[BossMark]

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”

[Jimbuna]

When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on the list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I’d make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she said. "If you smile, put them back."

[BossMark]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mum was talking about her side of the family."A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a color TV, computer, game console, cell phone, iPad and DVD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"






A frustrated father told his work colleague: "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son's room he has a coluor TV, computer, game console, mobile phone, iPad and DVD player."
"So what do you do?"
The father replied: "I send him to my room!"

[BossMark]

Paddy and Seamus were walking home from the pub. Paddy says to Seamus, 'What a beautiful night, look at the moon.'
Seamus stops and looks at Paddy, 'You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun.' Both started arguing for a while when they come upon a real drunk walking in the other direction, so they stopped him.
'Sir, could you please help settle our argument?
Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?' The drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them, and said,
'Sorry, I don't live around here.'

[Jimbuna]

Once my divorce was final, I went to the local Department of Motor Vehicles and asked to have my maiden name reinstated on my driver’s license. "Will there be any change of address?" the clerk inquired. "No," I replied.

"Oh, good," she said, clearly delighted. "You got the house."

[Jimbuna]

As they left the gym after their first real workout in years, a husband and wife both felt energized. "Let’s renew our commitment to do it three times a week," the wife said.

"Absolutely," the husband agreed, "three times as a minimum."

"And no whining," the wife said. "No excuses."

"No, we’ll do it with energy and enthusiasm."

"And on my late night, we can just meet here at the gym."

"The gym?" the husband said, crestfallen. "I thought we were talking about sex!"

[Jimbuna]

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they’d eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she’d polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."