The joke thread II

[BossMark]

"Did you give the prisoner the third degree?" the police captain asked the detective.

"Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good," nodded the other. "Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of."

"And did you get a confession?" asked the sergeant.

"Not exactly," explained the officer. "All he'd say was, 'Yes dear' and he'd doze off."

[BossMark]

An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says
“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.

“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife.“Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

[Jimbuna]

An elderly couple had been shopping at a grocery store, and the wife decided to steal a can of peaches. The inevitable happened and she was caught. Upon her court date, the judge asked her what she had stolen.

"Your Honour, I stole a can of peaches."

The judge replied, "How many peaches were in the can?"

She said, "Six."

The judge then said, "I will sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stood up behind her and replied, "Your Honour, she also stole a can of peas."

[BossMark]

Seamus opens the newspaper and is shocked to see his OWN obituary.
In a panic, he phones his friend and asks: "Did you see the paper?! They say I died!"
The friend replies: "Yes, I saw it! So, where ya calling from?"

[Jimbuna]

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden’s daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden’s mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

[BossMark]

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logon airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An Texan asked him if he was homesick. 'No,' replied the Irishman. 'It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage.' 'That's terrible, how did that happen?' 'The cork fell out of me bottle', said Paddy.

[Jimbuna]

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district-court judge found the perfect green tie to match one of her husband’s sport jackets. Soon after, while the couple was relaxing at a resort complex to get his mind off a complicated cocaine-conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a "bug" planted by the conspiracy defendants.

The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C., for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned Washington to find out the results of their tests.

"We’re not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays ‘Jingle Bells.’ "

[Jimbuna]

[BossMark]

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour.

The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?"

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

[Catfish]

^


"Guru, tell me what is the secret of eternal happiness?"
"Not to argue with fools."
"Hmm, i don't think so."
"You are right."

[BossMark]

Donncha and MacArthur are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?' MacArthur replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.' 'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?' 'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says MacArthur, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'

[Jimbuna]

Any time the alarm goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it. Late at night I got one of those calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my wife groggily said, "You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour."

Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of her, she added, "Better take the dog with you."

[Jimbuna]

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I’m the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn’t get out until you did."

[BossMark]

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”.

[Jimbuna]

One evening my husband’s golfing buddy drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

Later that night my husband’s friend and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car. With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That’s when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat.

"Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"