The joke thread

[BossMark]

I had a wet dream about the wife last night.
She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by u crank

Two friends, Jim and Steve liked to go fishing on weekends. They were not very lucky at this sport but enjoyed the fresh air and company. As usual they drove out to the marina at a nearby lake and rented a boat. On this day however their luck seemed to have changed. To their surprise they had soon caught their limit, and got ready to sail back in. Steve noticed Jim looking around and asked why. Jim said "to bad we couldn't mark this spot for next week". Steve dug into his tackle box, took out felt pen and put a large X on the bottom of the boat. Jim shook his head,"that's only going to work if we get the same boat".

Nice one

[BossMark]

"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the woodwork teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the woodwork class during the first day of school. Judy pondered the question for a moment, then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."

[Jimbuna]

According to the bible, one of the reasons Moses and Jesus were clearly divine was the fact that they were the only people to survive for 40 days without eating.

Does that make Victoria Beckham divine as well?

[BossMark]

Two blondes decide to go duck hunting. Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven't bagged any.

One hunter looks at the other and says, "I just don't understand it - why aren't we getting any ducks?"

Her friend says, "I keep telling you, I just don't think we're throwing the dog high enough."

[Jimbuna]

After the XMAS period, please remember your drink-drive responsibilities. Last night I drove to the pub, left my car in the car park and got the bus home. I was so proud of myself ......... I've never driven a bus before!

[BossMark]

A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her room mate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde room mate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?

[Jimbuna]

Apparently The Queen "should be given a new royal yacht to mark her Diamond Jubilee"

I wouldn't let any Italians build it, their reputation is on rocky ground as it is.

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Nice one

Just goes to show that not all dumbs are blonde.






Waitaminute...

[BossMark]

A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the side walk. Well, who should be walking in the neighbourhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[Sailor Steve]

You guys are starting to repeat the same jokes.

[BossMark]

Originally Posted by Sailor Steve

You guys are starting to repeat the same jokes.

I will have to read this thread sometime then



A policeman came up to me yesterday and said, "so, where were you between four and six?
"I said, "bloody Primary School."

[Sailor Steve]

Originally Posted by BossMark

I will have to read this thread sometime then

Great comeback, and best joke of the page!

[Jimbuna]

When the same man came into the branch of Oxfam I work in for the fifth week running, my curiosity got the better of me and I went onto the shop floor to speak to him.

"Excuse me sir", I said, "I couldn't help but notice that you appear to be a tramp, yet every Friday and Saturday you come to this shop and spend £5 on a pair of smart black shoes. I have to confess that it's got me completely baffled and I just wanted to ask you why?"

"Well there's a perfectly simple explanation", he answered, "You see, on the weekends I sit in a doorway by a nightclub that has a very strict dress code".

"That doesn't explain it", I replied, "I mean, you don't need smart shoes just to sit outside".

"I can see what you mean", he said with a chuckle, "But they're pretty useful if you want to get twenty quid off some idiot who's come out wearing trainers".

[BossMark]

I walked into the kitchen this morning and asked my wife, "What"s for breakfast?", she replied "make love to me right now". Not believing my luck I took her straight over the table, and when I finished asked her, "What"s all that about?""The egg timer"s broken." She replied!