The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son’s a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally he asked, "Those your kids?"

"They sure are," I said with pride.

"They adopted?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you’re too old to have kids that small."

[Jimbuna]

A pride of lions, a gaggle of geese … and here’s how we might classify these groups:
• A brat of boys
• A giggle of girls
• A stagger of drunks
• A tedium of accountants
• A stitch of doctors
• A whine of losers
• A jerk of politicians

[Jimbuna]

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."

"I am. How did you know?"

"Because everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve been no help."

"You must be a Republican."

"Yes. How did you know?"

"You’ve risen to where you are due to a lot of hot air, you made a promise you couldn’t keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."

[Jimbuna]

The huge backlog in the doctor’s waiting room was taking its toll. Patients were glancing at their watches and getting restless. Finally one man walked to the receptionist’s station and tapped on the glass. She slid back the window back, saying, "Sir, you’ll have to wait your turn."

"I just had a question," he said dryly, "Is Theresa May still Prime Minister?"

[Jimbuna]

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.

Turns out she felt the same way.

So I turned on the air conditioning.

[Jimbuna]

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.

At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

[Jimbuna]

My girlfriend said to me last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.

[Jimbuna]

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change.”

[Aktungbby]

[Jimbuna]

Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”

[Jimbuna]

Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”

[Jimbuna]

While volunteering in a soup kitchen, I hit it off with a very attractive single man. It was a relief, since my mother and I always laughed because the men to whom I was drawn were inevitably married. So, optimistic about my chances, I asked my new friend what he did for a living. He replied, “I’m a priest.”

[Jimbuna]

A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.

“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.

“Not at all,” I assured her. “But you are yellowing fast.”

[Jimbuna]

I was cuddling with my girlfriend, and she said, “I love lying here with you.”

“I once caught a fish, and it was five feet long and spoke Hebrew,” I replied. She stared at me, confused. “That was my lie,” I said.

“Oh, right. I see. Very funny,” she said. She paused a moment before rolling over. “That was my lie.”

[Jimbuna]

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. “Not again …”