The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where conversation turned to the subject of marriage.
Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer.
Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a computer instead.
During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring.
Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted: "Well, don't you have something to ask me?"
Dave then got down on bended knee. "Honey," he said, "Will you buy me a new computer?"

[Buddahaid]

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.

He asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

[Armistead]

What a strange day today! I was offered sex with a 25 year old beautiful girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined because I am a person with high moral standards with a strong willpower. Willpower just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla at your nearest drug and convenience store. Act now and save 1.50 off your next purchase.

[Buddahaid]

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"

The man says, "I make a good living."

[BossMark]

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."

Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"

The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."

The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.

He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"

The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"

[BossMark]

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”

[Feuer Frei!]

What has 4 eyes and can't see?

Missisippi

[Jimbuna]

When NASA first began sending astronauts into space, they were confronted by a small problem. Their standard ballpoint pens would not work in space. They spent a decade and twelve million dollars designing a pen that would work below three hundred degrees, in space, and on glass.
Russia used a pencil.

[Fubar2Niner]

^
Joke thread I know..... But..... If that is true, and it possibly has some truth, it's mind blowingly dumb of NASA........ Has Microsoft anything to do with this

[Buddahaid]

The pen was a private development.
http://www.spacepen.com/about-us.aspx

What would be closer to the truth would be spending 12 million to reinvent the pencil for military use.

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh-eeh... eeh-ehh... One once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels... eeeh"

[Jimbuna]

A businessman is invited for an audience with the Pope but finds it clashes with a meeting he has with Bill Gates. The businessman asks his secretary which appointment he should go to.
‘Definitely the Pope,’ replies the secretary. ‘He’ll only expect you to kiss his hand.’

[Eichhörnchen]

"Eeeh... eeh... what does One suppose E.T.'s short for? Why cos he's got such little legs of course... eeh"

[Jimbuna]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

[Jimbuna]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.