The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

I've reset my controller configuration for Michael Owen on FIFA 12:

A: Injure hamstring.
B: Injure hamstring.
X: Gaze at pitch from bench.
Y: Injure hamstring.

[BossMark]

Ten Liverpudlians arrive in heaven at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter."What are you doing here?" he asks, "We`ve got no record of you. Just wait here while I check with The Boss"So off he goes to check with God who tells him to go back and ask them how they died.A few minutes later he reports back to God, "They`ve gone""Gone?.. what all the Scousers?", queries God."No, the Gates" replies St Peter

[Jimbuna]

I decided to boycott the creators of Thomas and friends after ignoring my idea for a new character.
I thought a new 'female' transport car that keeps losing her cargo would of helped to keep the show fresh.
They never even gave Miss Carriage a chance.

[BossMark]

Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

[Jimbuna]

I own a musical instrument shop and I've decided when I die im going to donate my organs to people that need them ...

[BossMark]

The Korean Canine Society has launched its festive campaign.
The slogan is "A dog is not just for Christmas. It should do for Boxing Day as well."

[Jimbuna]

The six men locked away in steel tubes for a year and a half to simulate a mission to Mars have emerged from isolation.

After hearing the music of Justin Bieber and Rebecca Black, they have now agreed to do a mission to Pluto.

[BossMark]

The French Army have unveiled their new flag.
A white cross on a white background.

[Jimbuna]

The German troops with NATO in Afghanistan have been selling tshirts with the slogan:
"Hey Grandad, I made it further east than you"

[BossMark]

When I was a kid my dad taught me that saving money was a great idea.
Whenever I had a spare penny, he told me to put it in my blue box.
When I had enough I would swap them for a ten pence and put them in my red box.
When I had enough tens, I would swap them for a fifty pence and put them in my black box.
Took me years to learn that I was feeding the bloody gas meter

[BossMark]

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away freon work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[Jimbuna]

Originally Posted by BossMark

An Irishman staggers out of the pub one night, unzips his flies and starts peeing into the town fountain.
A copper walks past and says, "stop that, and put it away."The Irishman shoves his .... back in his trousers and zips up.
The copper is about to move on when the man starts laughing."What"s so funny?" asked the cop."Fooled you," says the Irishman,
"I may have put it away but I didn"t stop.

Guess what the infraction will be for (your online so 10 minutes grace)

[Jimbuna]

What do you give a Greek man with a scratchcard?

A coin to scratch it with.

[BossMark]

It was the happiest day of my life. Wife waiting at the altar, flowers blooming everywhere and a great turn out. I swept a tear away from my eye, kissed my wife on the cheek and closed the lid.

[Jimbuna]

Today United boss Fergie has announced there's only one way to celebrate on a day like this at his 25th year at United.

Hopefully by jumping on a bonfire.