The joke thread - Page 57

Jimbuna · 10-31-11, 05:19 PM

Nobody came to my door this Halloween...

Maybe because I live in a dead-end.

BossMark · 11-01-11, 03:30 AM

A blonde calls up an airline ticket counter and asks,
"How long are your flights from London to Glasgow?"
The ticket clerk replies, "just a minute, madam...""Thank you", says the blonde, and hangs up.

Jimbuna · 11-01-11, 05:29 AM

I called the cops to tell them that a couple were making out in a phonebox on my street.

They told me they'd look into it.

Lord_magerius · 11-01-11, 06:48 AM

I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world,
I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself.

Jimbuna · 11-01-11, 07:04 AM

My wife said for christmas this year she would like something a bit "risque".

Driving lessons it is.

BossMark · 11-01-11, 10:46 AM

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later...

Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

Jimbuna · 11-01-11, 04:03 PM

I was in the police station the other day and a woman came in with tear's in her eye's, whilst walking like she had just given birth to a giraffe.

When she got to the counter she said to the policeman "I've been graped" to which he replied "don't you mean raped?" and she says "no, there were a bunch of them"

BossMark · 11-02-11, 07:56 AM

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You"re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You"re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I"ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I"m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I"ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn"t have one."

11-02-11, 09:45 AM

Save the words, watch this:

BossMark · 11-02-11, 11:40 AM

Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle,
One turns to the other and says "Quiet in here today, isn"t it?"

Jimbuna · 11-02-11, 11:56 AM

The Pakistan team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the involvement of three Pakistani players in match fixing and promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next year.

BossMark · 11-02-11, 12:09 PM

The ICC confirms.....DNB next to a Pakistani batsman's name in the scorecard still means 'Did Not Bat' and NOT 'Did Not Bet'

Jimbuna · 11-02-11, 12:36 PM

My thick mate came into the pub last night with a black eye, so I said,

"What happened to you?"

"I got hit by a bloke at work", he complained.

"What do you expect?", I laughed. "You're a boxer."

Gerald · 11-02-11, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jimbuna

Nobody came to my door this Halloween...

Maybe because I live in a dead-end.

Jimbuna · 11-02-11, 12:48 PM

When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the..."

10-31-11, 05:19 PM	#841
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Nobody came to my door this Halloween... Maybe because I live in a dead-end. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-01-11, 03:30 AM	#842
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A blonde calls up an airline ticket counter and asks, "How long are your flights from London to Glasgow?" The ticket clerk replies, "just a minute, madam...""Thank you", says the blonde, and hangs up. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-01-11, 05:29 AM	#843
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I called the cops to tell them that a couple were making out in a phonebox on my street. They told me they'd look into it. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-01-11, 06:48 AM	#844
Lord_magerius Seasoned Skipper Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Right by the hydrophone station Posts: 724 Downloads: 96 Uploads: 0	I'm not saying we should kill all the stupid people in the world, I'm just saying we should remove the warning labels from everything and let the problem take care of itself. __________________

11-01-11, 07:04 AM	#845
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My wife said for christmas this year she would like something a bit "risque". Driving lessons it is. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-01-11, 10:46 AM	#846
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-01-11, 04:03 PM	#847
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I was in the police station the other day and a woman came in with tear's in her eye's, whilst walking like she had just given birth to a giraffe. When she got to the counter she said to the policeman "I've been graped" to which he replied "don't you mean raped?" and she says "no, there were a bunch of them" __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-02-11, 07:56 AM	#848
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You"re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You"re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I"ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?" The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I"m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I"ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn"t have one." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-02-11, 09:45 AM	#849
PapaKilo Stowaway Posts: n/a Downloads: Uploads:	Save the words, watch this:

11-02-11, 11:40 AM	#850
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	Two lions walking down a supermarket aisle, One turns to the other and says "Quiet in here today, isn"t it?" __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-02-11, 11:56 AM	#851
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	The Pakistan team have issued a statement expressing their shock at the involvement of three Pakistani players in match fixing and promised to clean up their act before the 2-1 series defeat to the West Indies next year. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-02-11, 12:09 PM	#852
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	The ICC confirms.....DNB next to a Pakistani batsman's name in the scorecard still means 'Did Not Bat' and NOT 'Did Not Bet' __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

11-02-11, 12:36 PM	#853
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	My thick mate came into the pub last night with a black eye, so I said, "What happened to you?" "I got hit by a bloke at work", he complained. "What do you expect?", I laughed. "You're a boxer." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

11-02-11, 12:48 PM	#855
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,386 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When I'm on my death bed, I want my final words to be "I left one million dollars in the..." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)