The joke thread - Page 542

BossMark · 08-23-15, 04:44 AM

My girlfriend says I've changed since becoming a manager at work.

She's still bitter about being rated 'Unsatisfactory' in her mid-year appraisal.

Jimbuna · 08-23-15, 09:16 AM

George W. Bush wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President.
"Dick", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King."

"You can't do that," says Cheney, "you don't have a kingdom."

"Okay then," says Bush, "what about Emperor?"

"No good. You don't have an empire."

"Prince?"

"No. America isn't a principality."

"Okay... Err... Duke?"

"Nor is it a Duchy."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Bush.

Cheney smiles. "It's obvious, George," he says. "You run a country."

Jimbuna · 08-23-15, 10:51 AM

I robbed the bank last week...

I got 15 billion pounds of debt.

BossMark · 08-24-15, 06:32 AM

I walked into the doctor's with my newborn son this morning. I said, "Excuse me, doc. Sorry, I had to bring my boy with me for my appointment. My wife's at work, but don't worry, he's good as gold."

"Enjoy it while you can," he replied. "He might be as good as gold now but, trust me, he's going to be a little bastard in a few months."

"I don't know about that," I laughed.

"I do," he said, handing me my test results.

BossMark · 08-24-15, 10:44 AM

An eight-year-old boy swaggered into a pub, sat on a barstool and said, "I'll have a large brandy and one of your finest cigars, please."
The barmaid swiftly assessed his tender years and replied, "Do you want to get me in trouble?"
"Maybe later; for now I'll just have the brandy and the cigar."

Jimbuna · 08-24-15, 02:52 PM

"It's too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower.

"What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked.

"Probably that I married you for your money," I replied.

Herr-Berbunch · 08-24-15, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimbuna

"It's too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower.

"What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked.

"Probably that I married you for your money," I replied.

Freudian slips there Jim?

Jimbuna · 08-24-15, 03:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herr-Berbunch

Freudian slips there Jim?

Ha....if the cap fits

Jimbuna · 08-25-15, 12:08 PM

What's a ****zu?

A zoo with no animals.

Herr-Berbunch · 08-25-15, 03:16 PM

My wife wanted to go see Jeremy Kyle* live.

I got her mum and sister pregnant, we're on next week.

*The UK's modern-day Jerry Springer, but with more impending coronary heart disease, fewer teeth, and a groan of 'who watches this? Surely the only audience are actually on it!'

Herr-Berbunch · 08-25-15, 04:04 PM

It's been a really bad day today...

First, my ex got run over by a bus.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

BossMark · 08-26-15, 12:03 AM

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them."

"No problem," I replied. "That's more than enough."

Jimbuna · 08-26-15, 09:36 AM

I phoned the police the other day.

"What's your emergency?" they asked.
I said, "Two girls are fighting over me."
"OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?"
"The fat one's winning."

TCD · 08-26-15, 02:50 PM

Two eggs are in a fridge, talking:

- "Why are you green and hairy?".

- "Because I'm a Kiwi idiot"!

BossMark · 08-27-15, 12:47 AM

I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a crappy estate and surviving of benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

08-23-15, 04:44 AM	#8116
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	My girlfriend says I've changed since becoming a manager at work. She's still bitter about being rated 'Unsatisfactory' in her mid-year appraisal. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-23-15, 09:16 AM	#8117
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,538 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	George W. Bush wakes up one morning, feeling good. He calls in his Vice-President. "Dick", he says, "I think I need a new title to reflect my position as leader of the free world. I'm going to call myself King." "You can't do that," says Cheney, "you don't have a kingdom." "Okay then," says Bush, "what about Emperor?" "No good. You don't have an empire." "Prince?" "No. America isn't a principality." "Okay... Err... Duke?" "Nor is it a Duchy." "Well, do you have any better ideas?" asks an exasperated Bush. Cheney smiles. "It's obvious, George," he says. "You run a country." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-23-15, 10:51 AM	#8118
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,538 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I robbed the bank last week... I got 15 billion pounds of debt. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-24-15, 06:32 AM	#8119
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I walked into the doctor's with my newborn son this morning. I said, "Excuse me, doc. Sorry, I had to bring my boy with me for my appointment. My wife's at work, but don't worry, he's good as gold." "Enjoy it while you can," he replied. "He might be as good as gold now but, trust me, he's going to be a little bastard in a few months." "I don't know about that," I laughed. "I do," he said, handing me my test results. __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-24-15, 10:44 AM	#8120
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	An eight-year-old boy swaggered into a pub, sat on a barstool and said, "I'll have a large brandy and one of your finest cigars, please." The barmaid swiftly assessed his tender years and replied, "Do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe later; for now I'll just have the brandy and the cigar." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-24-15, 02:52 PM	#8121
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,538 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	"It's too hot to wear clothes today," my husband said to me, stepping out of the shower. "What do you reckon the neighbours will think if I mow the grass like this?" he asked. "Probably that I married you for your money," I replied. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-25-15, 12:08 PM	#8124
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,538 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	What's a **zu? A zoo with no animals. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)**

08-25-15, 03:16 PM	#8125
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	My wife wanted to go see Jeremy Kyle* live. I got her mum and sister pregnant, we're on next week. *The UK's modern-day Jerry Springer, but with more impending coronary heart disease, fewer teeth, and a groan of 'who watches this? Surely the only audience are actually on it!' __________________

08-25-15, 04:04 PM	#8126
Herr-Berbunch Kaiser Bill's batman Join Date: May 2010 Location: AN72 Posts: 13,203 Downloads: 76 Uploads: 0	It's been a really bad day today... First, my ex got run over by a bus. Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. __________________

08-26-15, 12:03 AM	#8127
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses. "I'm sorry, sir," said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them." "No problem," I replied. "That's more than enough." __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now

08-26-15, 09:36 AM	#8128
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,538 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	I phoned the police the other day. "What's your emergency?" they asked. I said, "Two girls are fighting over me." "OK," she paused. "Well what's the problem?" "The fat one's winning." __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

08-26-15, 02:50 PM	#8129
TCD Seaman Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: French Republic, a rare active NATO member for remembrance Posts: 38 Downloads: 0 Uploads: 0	Two eggs are in a fridge, talking: - "Why are you green and hairy?". - "Because I'm a Kiwi idiot"! __________________ \"THINGS ARE WHAT THEY ARE \" A.FERBOURN jr

08-27-15, 12:47 AM	#8130
BossMark Fleet Admiral Join Date: May 2011 Location: Leeds, West Yorkshire Posts: 15,272 Downloads: 278 Uploads: 0	I've written a book about a young girl who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a crappy estate and surviving of benefits. It's called "Alice in Sunderland". __________________ Never trust the Tories look what Thatcher and Major did in the 80s and 90s and look what the wicked witch May is doing now doing now