The joke thread

[Jimbuna]

Today, I saw a sign at a picture framing shop that said, "Shoot the family, hang the kids, frame the wife."

Don't photographers have a dark sense of humour?

[BossMark]

There were 12 of us in our family and we were so poor we had to wear each others clothes.

I wouldn't mind, but i had 11 sisters.

[BossMark]

A Google executive has died on Everest due to the Nepal earthquake

A Google spokesman said that nothing could be done to save him despite him being found in 0.53 seconds.

[Jimbuna]

I watched this homeless tramp with a twig and a bit of string with a bent hook on the end pull fish after fish out of the canal and them throw them back.

"That's amazing!" I said. "Why don't you keep some for food?"

"Fish I can get anytime," he said. "It's the mattress I'm after."

[BossMark]

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, " Are you seriously hurt?"

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."

[Jimbuna]

Tomorrow is just another Monday. Another 8 hours of sitting in front of a screen typing and reading pointless crap.

I can't wait til it's over, and I can get home and spend the evening on Facebook.

[Sailor Steve]

There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.

[BossMark]

I applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested 'prior experience', I jotted down 'Lifeguard'. Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself," said the hiring manager for the insurance company. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

"I couldn't swim," I replied.

I got the job.

[BossMark]

This bloke knocked on my door this morning and asked if I wanted a window cleaner.
I said "Yes but I'd really like them all cleaner".

[Jimbuna]

Why do scuba-divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forwards they'd fall back into the boat.

[Harvs]

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from the internet, i will soon have the answer.

[Harvs]

Originally Posted by Buddahaid

Bruce Jenner.

Its Bruth

[BossMark]

Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

[Jimbuna]

An elderly Jewish man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "They're not gettin a divorce," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."

[BossMark]

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.