The joke thread II

[Jimbuna]

Just received £10,000 after a recent accident at work. I pushed my boss down the stairs then drove off with his car which I sold on eBay.

[Platapus]

I've a friend who's an upholsterer. He's back home from the hospital after an operation and is recovering nicely.

[Jimbuna]

[Platapus]

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

[Jimbuna]

How come everyone loves it when when a magician makes stuff disappear but when an airline pilot does it everyone freaks out?

[Jimbuna]

I tried cooking with wine for the 1st time last night. After 5 glasses I can’t remember what happened and I woke up on the kitchen floor with an empty bottle.

[Jimbuna]

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody is around to hear it…
My illegal logging business is a great success.

[Jimbuna]

After hours of thinking I’ve finally decided on my new years resolution…

1920 x 1080

[Catfish]

When i was a child, my mother sent me to the grocery with one Euro.
I came back with 7 potatoes, 8 eggs, a pound of butter, a pound of flour, 3 bottles of beer and 2 sausages. Not possible anymore! Those cameras are everywhere.

[Platapus]

I gave my wife a diamond bracelet and she has not spoken to me since.

Well that was the agreement after all.

[Jimbuna]

I slept like a log last night…. Woke up in a forest covered with ants.

[Platapus]

I'm really worried about my Parrot.

He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

[Platapus]

A priest was sitting in his church when this drunk comes stumbling in.... bumping into stuff and ends up crashing into one of the confessional cubicals.

The priest surmises that this person is in need of spiritual guidance, so he enters his cubical.

After a few moments of silence, the priest asks "Can I be of some assistance?"

To which the drunk replies "I don't know, do you have any paper on your side?"

[Jimbuna]

I saw a sign today day telling please keep off the grass. I wonder how it got there?

[Jimbuna]