The joke thread II - Page 299

Jimbuna · 07-21-23, 12:08 PM

When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.

My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?”

ET2SN · 07-22-23, 03:05 AM

Jimbuna · 07-22-23, 05:12 AM

Dad loves to eat and does so with gusto—to the distress of my mother, who worries about his weight. One evening Dad was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. As he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked Mom if she wanted to save the jar.

“No, it’s okay,” Mom replied. “Go ahead and eat it.”

Platapus · 07-22-23, 05:29 AM

I tried to marry my Ex-wife again, but she said no

I guess she knew I was only wanting to marry her for my money

Jimbuna · 07-22-23, 07:02 AM

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

Platapus · 07-22-23, 07:43 AM

I don't see my wife and kids any more

And it is all due to my gambling.

I won the lottery and I am on the beaches of Costa Rica!!!!!!!

Jimbuna · 07-22-23, 12:51 PM

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

Platapus · 07-22-23, 04:49 PM

“I’ve a downloaded copy of Prince Harry’s book ‘Spare’. Do you wish to read it?”

“Is it a pdf file?”

“Nope, that’s his uncle. A totally different Prince”

Jimbuna · 07-23-23, 05:41 AM

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Control Freak.
Con…
OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?”

Jimbuna · 07-24-23, 09:45 AM

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Jimbuna · 07-24-23, 10:01 AM

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

Eisenwurst · 07-24-23, 11:13 PM

A frog goes into Macdonalds and orders a Cheeseburger.

The Macdonalds workers says.........

"Would you like flies with that?"

Jimbuna · 07-25-23, 03:58 AM

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

Jimbuna · 07-25-23, 07:02 AM

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.

Platapus · 07-25-23, 03:24 PM

I asked my wife to rate me on how good of a listener I was

She said "You're an eight on a scale of ten"

Which confused me

Why does she want me to pee on a skeleton?

07-21-23, 12:08 PM	#4471
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	When my teenage son worked part time in a hardware store, a man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed. My son, trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?” The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-22-23, 05:12 AM	#4473
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Dad loves to eat and does so with gusto—to the distress of my mother, who worries about his weight. One evening Dad was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. As he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked Mom if she wanted to save the jar. “No, it’s okay,” Mom replied. “Go ahead and eat it.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-22-23, 05:29 AM	#4474
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,990 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I tried to marry my Ex-wife again, but she said no I guess she knew I was only wanting to marry her for my money __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-22-23, 07:02 AM	#4475
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-22-23, 07:43 AM	#4476
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,990 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I don't see my wife and kids any more And it is all due to my gambling. I won the lottery and I am on the beaches of Costa Rica!!!!!!! __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-22-23, 03:05 AM	#4472
ET2SN ET2/SS Join Date: Oct 2017 Posts: 2,560 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0

07-22-23, 12:51 PM	#4477
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-22-23, 04:49 PM	#4478
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,990 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	“I’ve a downloaded copy of Prince Harry’s book ‘Spare’. Do you wish to read it?” “Is it a pdf file?” “Nope, that’s his uncle. A totally different Prince” __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.

07-23-23, 05:41 AM	#4479
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Control Freak. Con… OK, now you say, “Control Freak who?” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-24-23, 09:45 AM	#4480
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-24-23, 10:01 AM	#4481
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.” “Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.” __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-24-23, 11:13 PM	#4482
Eisenwurst Silent Hunter Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 3,654 Downloads: 58 Uploads: 0	A frog goes into Macdonalds and orders a Cheeseburger. The Macdonalds workers says......... "Would you like flies with that?" __________________

07-25-23, 03:58 AM	#4483
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-25-23, 07:02 AM	#4484
Jimbuna Chief of the Boat Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: 250 metres below the surface Posts: 181,518 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 13	Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space. __________________ Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. Oh my God, not again!! GWX3.0 Download Page - Donation/instant access to GWX (Help SubSim)

07-25-23, 03:24 PM	#4485
Platapus Fleet Admiral Join Date: Oct 2006 Posts: 18,990 Downloads: 63 Uploads: 0	I asked my wife to rate me on how good of a listener I was She said "You're an eight on a scale of ten" Which confused me Why does she want me to pee on a skeleton? __________________ abusus non tollit usum - A right should NOT be withheld from people on the basis that some tend to abuse that right.